I just wanna be fruity

Here are some notes I have written down in a gazillion different journals… on slips of paper… napkins… anywhere and everywhere. These little blurbs of thought reveal the depth of thought and feeling involved with a cancer diagnosis. The best part? They still encourage ME today as I go back and read them. Let me assure you, I’m not always on the top of my game. There have been many days when I’ve wondered if God was even with me. There have been many days when I can’t think of one good reason to go on to the next day. But God. He always seems to speak loudest when we finally decide to be quiet and listen.


4-28-04
Here's a poem I wrote on 4-28-2004 while lying on the bathroom floor wondering if I was going to die. I was in pain I had never experienced before and felt completely and totally alone. Yet I also kept mostly to myself because I didn't want to burden anyone. Only two months into my journey and I was just beginning to learn how to lean on my faith and trust in the Lord.

While I was laying on the floor, this poem came to my mind and I remember thinking "you've gotta be kidding me the pen and paper are in the other room!" They seemed so far away but I knew if I didn't write it down immediately it would be lost forever. But I managed to get into the other room, grabbed the pen and paper, laid back down on the floor and began to write.

I'd like to say there was a miracle and the pain went away immediately, but it didn't. Although a peace and calm that I can't explain came over me and I knew no matter what happened I was going to be alright.

HERE I AM AGAIN LORD

Here I am again Lord

With so many questions on my mind

Ashamed to doubt Your Sovereignty

As so many answers I seek to find

I know that You are able

And working for my good

There are just some things I wish

I somehow understood

Like, why this painful journey

And why this winding road

Why must I carry such a burden

And why such a heavy load

Are you trying to speak to my heart Lord

Are You leading me this way

If I know that You are with me

Then on this path I will gladly stay

I trust in You completely

And know You have a plan

I know Your ways aren't my ways

Your thoughts are much higher than man's

So... yes I will follow

I will go wherever You send

Only because I know that when it's over

I'll be with You in the end

Your love is what encourages me

Your strength is my best friend

It's Your peace that brings me comfort

Along each rough and winding bend

10-14-04
Father,
At the beginning of this year as I lay across my bed crying out for a relationship with my son and asking You to do ‘whatever it takes’ You said, “The road will be a little bumpy. But this is your year.” Today, ten months and a cancer diagnosis later I realize You weren’t kidding about the bumpy road. I also realize that the “life more abundant” is the attitude of one’s heart.

Lord, You have pruned me deeply. It seems there is nothing left of the vine. But I understand that in order to bear much fruit, the pruning is necessary. Therefore, I will not fight the process. I only ask that You would use me to bear much fruit ~ for Your glory and for Your honor.

Amen.

10-16-04
My next scan is next Thursday, the 21^st at Columbus, Ohio. The past couple of days I’ve been wrestling with the “what ifs”. I know the Lord touched me on September 10^th. I know I’ve been healed. But what if the scan doesn’t prove my healing? What if the doctor doesn’t confirm that healing?

I’m not so much concerned about me… I’ve come to terms with life and death. My concern is God’s integrity. (Just typing that out makes me laugh. Who am I to alter the integrity of God?) Yet I want to be able to encourage others who are facing issues like cancer, disease and divorce. I want them to see the mighty healing power of God. Many people have heard that I was healed. The word has spread quickly. What if…

My brother put it so wisely the other day when he said, “God has healed you. You just don’t know how yet.” I understand that many are healed miraculously, many through chemo and radiation, some get the ultimate healing when they go home to be with the Father; where the sting of death can never touch them again, where there are no tears, no pain, no sin, no rejection, no divorce, no hate, nothing but life and peace for eternity.

God had a plan and purpose when He created me in my mother’s womb. How could I possibly think I could improve on His plan? This diagnosis has not taken Him by surprise. I don’t believe He gave me cancer. But I do believe He knew this was going to happen and He has a plan to work it all out for His glory.

The things I’ve endured have all been a part of His incredible plan and destiny for my life. My only responsibility, my only requirement is that I trust Him and walk it out daily. He only asks that I remain faithful and allow His plan to unfold in my life.

God clearly told us in the Word that what gives Him glory is when we bear much fruit. Do I have any fruit? I want to bear much fruit… for His glory.

　

11-20-04
I’m beginning to learn that most of those who are used greatly by God can point to a day in their life when they made a formal decision to live for God’s glory. I’m not certain why I didn’t see this all along. If you read the scriptures, all the testimonies of great men and women of God went through tremendous trials and hardship. But when you decide to live for God’s glory, you must also understand that there are conditions. Think of any great person in the Bible and I'm certain you will see that these three conditions are true:
#1 You get nothing in return
#2 There are no warm fuzzies or great personal joy involved
#3 It’s all done to increase God’s reputation

Oh God, I want only what You want for my life. From this day forward, I will measure success, achievement and fulfillment by doing good works that bring You glory. Today I sign over ownership of my life to You; asking only the You will use me to show the world what a wonderful God You are!