When I first married in 1979, I was working for a candy company until I found out I was pregnant with our first child. Shortly thereafter, we bought a cute little mobile home in a mobile home park and raised our newborn there for a couple of years before buying our first home.
Twenty years later, (after the divorce) I found myself getting my first job at a candy factory and moving into the same mobile home park where I raised my baby girl. Every day I would come from work, glance over at the actual home we lived in and wonder why I had to start over from scratch when my Ex was able to continue on with his career. I sulked about this for quite a while and even complained to God about how cruel it was for me to have to start back at square one. I chose to look at it as some time of punishment rather than some type of blessing.
One day (most likely when I was quiet enough to let Him speak) He finally said to me, “Yes. But this time we're going to do it My way.” That made complete sense and gave me total peace. So I journeyed on reminding myself that God was in control and nothing happens to me that isn't Father filtered first.
At the beginning of the cancer journey, there was no hope of a cure but there was a Sandostatin shot they could give me to help with the symptoms (pain, diarrhea, cramping and exhaustion). So I started taking an injection once a month and began seeing good results. That's not exactly true. For 3 weeks I had to give myself three injections in my belly every day before I could begin the monthly injections. It was almost comical how I never hesitated to jab that needle into the orange the nurse handed me. But when it came time to thrust it into myself, it took a lot of self talk and desperation every single time.
This shot was created to slow down my system which in turn slowed down all the symptoms AND also slowed down my metabolism. After about 4 years, I was starting to realize that the longer I took the shots the more weight I gained. Finally I wondered if the benefits of the shot to control the symptoms truly outweighed (no pun intended) the risk of a heart attack and/or stroke from all the excessive weight.
I prayed and prayed about it and believed the Lord told me to go ahead and stop the injections. Now this was a major step of faith. Especially when the cancer doctor was disgusted with me and told me I was going to die sooner if I stopped the injections. He also badgered me by saying “You're going to be in so much pain! You'll be back!!” Determined not to let fear dictate my decision, I stopped getting the injections and had complete confidence that God knew what was best.
Here I am five years later without any drastic consequences and still no pain (like I had in 2004). I have been trucking through life as if nothing is wrong with me. Most people aren't even aware of my diagnosis. They see my flushing and make a comment like “I see someone's been spending some time in the sun.”
I choose to live believing God has healed me and I'm waiting for the manifestation of that healing to come to pass. My pastor is forever saying “If you will decree a thing, it will be established.” Job 22:28
I choose to not allow any diagnosis keep me from enjoying the things that make this life so interesting. On the outside I may appear 'whole' but on the inside a cancer diagnosis is something that forever changes how you look at everything. There is no way to go back to your former self after this type of diagnosis.
I carry the weight of a cancer diagnosis 24 hours at day, 7 days a week. For the most part I just go on with life like everyone else does. But there's something in my spirit that always pulls me back to the basics of life; keeping my priorities in order and helping me to live for what is eternal and not temporary.
For instance, I'm sitting beside the lake typing this blog. It's a beautiful day, the suns shining, a chipmunk is chirping loudly (I think I may have invaded his privacy), the breeze is warm and soothing and I'm noticing it all. Before the diagnosis I doubt I would have seen any of it because my life was (and still is) so busy. After a diagnosis you tend to appreciate what's around you; the ability to see the silver lining in every cloud. I guess that comes with realizing that each day is a gift that shouldn't be taken for granted. The memory of this day is what keeps it eternal. The feeling my heart gets when I look at God's beautiful creation and watch a cardinal hop across the picnic table is eternal. (And if that chipmunk comes running over here that will also be eternal cause we're both gonna meet at the Pearly Gates way before our time!)
Life is full of so much. Americans are so inundated with sights and sounds and emotions. We have so many things coming at us at once that we are desensitized to a majority of real life. The car radio blares as we swerve in and out of traffic with no regard to those around us. We come home from work and plop down on in front of the television and/or computer hardly acknowledging those who live in our homes. Our cell phones are beeping and tweeting and flashing and buzzing with information we really could live without. Children are still running the streets but they’re not playing hide 'n seek or tag. Now they run the streets with guns and cell phones. Adults no longer visit friends and family on weekends. There just isn't any time for those pleasures.
So we become more and more disconnected and selfish as we turn to facebook and twitter to spy on what our 'friends' are doing and how we can make our lives look better by posting great pictures or comments. When was the last time you saw a post from someone being real? Someone who says I have 2,386 facebook friends but haven't had a face to face conversation with any of them for years.
But we take on more and more as technology demands that we stay on top of things. Meanwhile, the things that truly matter; our spouses, children, friends, even our God takes a backseat to all the challenges that rally for our attention.
My doctor has recently prescribed that I got back on the Sandostatin shots. She believes that I will benefit from them once again and I was scheduled to start today. One step forward and two steps back.
Needless to say, I was very discouraged when she wrote the prescription and I was very discouraged today. Why would I be required to go back to where I was six years ago? What is the purpose in beginning these shots again? I am claiming my healing from Isaiah 53:5 that says “By His stripes we are healed.” So why am I not seeing the manifestations of that healing? Am I missing something? Am I doing something wrong? Is there a lesson that I have yet to learn?
At first my claim was denied since I don't have health insurance. But one sweet girl at the doctor’s office wouldn't take no for an answer. So she pursued my case and eventually the cost for the Sandostatin was covered. Anyone who has been in a cancer battle can tell you that the meds for cancer treatment are outrageous. One shot monthly costs over $5,000 a pop. That's over $60,000 a year and doesn‘t include the doctor‘s fees. Goodness! Even if my insurance covered 80% that is still way more than I could afford to pay. What are people doing? How are they coping with not only a cancer diagnosis but now financial bankruptcy as well.
As I sit here blogging, two geese are wandering by so I began throwing popcorn to them. The taller larger goose would take one step forward and then two steps back. He was so suspicious, so afraid to receive the free blessing. He couldn’t believe that someone who give him a free gift. The smaller goose however, marched over to the popcorn with confidence. She knew a blessing when she saw one and she wasn’t letting this blessing get past her. Then there was a tiny little bird hopping in on the scene. When I saw this tiny little bird I was amazed it was so brave to steal popcorn from such giant geese.
After watching these birds for a while the Lord began speaking to my heart. The larger goose (let’s just say he doesn’t have a personal relationship with the Lord) is missing the best parts of life because of worry and stress. His eyes are on what could happen instead of the blessing in front of him. He’s suspicious and angry and maybe has an incident in the past he needs to let go of. He won’t be going any where any time soon with his one step forward and two steps back approach.
The smaller goose (let’s say she has an open line of communication with the Lord) walks up to each kernel confidently and enjoys every mouthful of blessing she can get. She’s not worried about what might happen. She’s just enjoying the here and now; knowing that Someone much bigger than her has everything under control.
The little bird however… as soon as I saw him I knew he was just like the enemy. He is so small he was almost unnoticed by the larger geese. They didn’t see him as a threat at all. He’s nothing. The only way he got any popcorn was because the geese let him take it. He could have never fought those monster geese on his own. But they let him hop in and steal their blessing. Every hop he took was calculated and precise and he wasn’t playing. He wanted the popcorn and he wanted it all.
I say all that to say this; sometimes we have to walk confidently and intentionally. We have to keep our eyes open to the snares of the enemy and not allow him to steal our joy here on earth. We have to choose to believe God has our steps ordered even when we don't understand. We just need to take one step at a time and trust Him completely for the path we are required to walk.
So, here I am again back to the same square I was over six years ago, but choosing to trust God for everything; for the Sandostatin, for the medical assistance, for the wisdom to know His will for my life and most important I trust Him with my life here and my life for eternity.
He doesn't owe me any explanation. He doesn't owe me any blessing. He owes me nothing. He has already done far above anything I could ever ask or think. Now I owe Him. I owe Him my trust, I owe him my love and I owe him my life. Regardless of what life is throwing at me.
After almost 31 years of salvation, I can say without hesitation that He has never let me down yet. I don't believe He's going to start now.
Keep your eyes open to His blessing and His plan. It's everywhere. But you can miss it if you aren't living confidently and intentionally.
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