GO AHEAD... GOOGLE ME

So, the dilemma now is... how do I finish this book? What should be in the last chapter? After much thought, I asked myself “If I was reading this book, what would I want to know before it ends?” The answer would be “Did she live or did she die?!”

Actually that would have probably been my first question before I even read the book. Just being honest. I mean seriously. Why would I read a book from a lady who writes a book “Cancer God's Way” if she ends up dying of cancer in the end?

If I were reading this book, the first thing I would have done is google my name. I would have searched the internet to see who this woman was and how her story ended. Well... go ahead... google me! Brenda Lang Lantini

Something google can't tell you is that as I'm typing this last chapter I am sitting on my bed with my legs crossed, hair color in my hair tapping away at the keyboard. I've got 30 minutes until I rinse so let me make this short and sweet:

Yesterday was a tough, tough day and today hasn't been much better. I went to James Cancer Hospital in Columbus, Ohio for a routine CT Scan and blood work. After the scan we met with Dr. Shah. She had good news and bad news. The bad news is the tumors have progressed. The good news is they've only progressed a little. Dr. Shah wants me to consider doing the TAZE treatment again.

I love Dr. Shah and trust her completely with my treatments and diagnosis. However, we've had to come to an agreement that she provides the medical diagnosis and possible treatments and I provide the decisions as to what we will or wont do as far as treatments.

When someone is battling with terminal illness it is only right to give them the dignity and respect to make their own decisions regarding end of life treatments. Some people choose to fight up until their last breath, while others give in the moment they are diagnosed; and neither are right or wrong for the choices they make.

If there is a treatment with a possible cure, I'd say go for it! But if the treatments are only 'buying time' then the patient should be given the right to decide how they want to proceed.

Yesterday, Dr Shah explained to me that the liver tumors have progressed. They have not grown a lot but they have grown. She wants to repeat the TAZE treatment that I had in 2009. With the TAZE treatment, they go through your groin and place chemo seeds directly into your liver to slow the tumor growth. However, it also causes portions of your liver to atrophy as well.

This treatment is not a 'cure' it is only an avenue used to 'buy me time.' When I received the TAZE in 2009, I truly believed I was going to die from the treatment. I was desperately sick and it took me several months before I could begin to live life normally again. So the thought of going through that again has literally sent me reeling and I find myself doing battle once again in my mind.

How do you decide between a treatment that is going to cause you to lose months of living as apposed to not doing treatments and risking the chance of shortening your life? As if that decision isn't tough enough, my mind is thinking about so many other things like: Will Joe be okay after I'm gone? How will my children deal with the death of their mother? Will my grandchildren remember Mimi? What about my family? They've already gone through this once. Will they be able to deal with it again? And my friends... and … so on and so on.

When you face death in the eye, you're not thinking about your bills or if your house is clean or how much you weigh. You are thinking about your relationships. Did I love them enough? Do they know how much I care for them? Did I share with them the things that are near and dear to my heart? Am I leaving any type of a legacy?

But if I could be completely honest with you today as my heart is aching, my biggest question is: Where is the victory? Where is the testimony? How does God get the glory in this? What makes my cancer diagnosis any different from someone else who doesn't know the Lord? Why would someone without Christ want to know my God if He's going to allow me to die of cancer just like them? Very good questions, not so easy answers. But I'll give it my best shot.

SO WHERE'S THE MIRACLE:

On Friday the 13^th in February 2004, I was diagnosed with Carcinoid Cancer and given approximately 3 months to live. As I'm sitting here typing this chapter, I have beaten that diagnosis by over nine and a half years. That's a miracle!

On June 24, 2044 I was scheduled for a Clincial Trial that could have taken my life. This trial started just days before I was to begin and several people experienced 'sudden death' so they canceled the Clinical Trial. That's a miracle!

On July 16, 2008 they gave be a TAZE treatment that was supposed to 'buy me' 12 – 18 months. That was over five years ago. That's a miracle!

In 2000 when my spouse left me after 20 years of marriage I thought I would never find true love. I was convinced my fate was to be a single woman for the rest of my life. But God brought Joe into my life and I have experienced true love. That's a miracle!

Since my diagnosis in 2004, I am not the same woman. Up until the day of my diagnosis I was a self-conscious, fearful woman who was obsessed with pleasing people and constantly trying to be 'good enough'. Since my diagnosis, God has transformed me into a woman who knows who she is in God and spends her days mentoring other women. That's a miracle!

In November 2002, Dr. Shah mentioned another Clinical Trial with interferon. I told her I'd like to pray about it but never got any peace with moving forward and doing the interferon. At my last appointment I learned they canceled that trial as well. I didn't ask why. But I know that because of God's direction and guidance I have dodged the bullet once again. That's a miracle!

I've watched my grandchildren grow into healthy, fun loving kids. And have had a blast traveling back and forth to Montana for the past seven years visiting them. In fact, they are on their way to our house as I type. They will be here for two weeks and then I'm flying back with them to spend two weeks at their home in Montana. That's a miracle!

Knowing myself and knowing my limits, when I look back at what I have gone through and how I have been able to continue praising God through it all, that's nothing I could have done on my own. That's a miracle!

I've had many people say “I wish I had the strength that you do.” Can I tell you that emotional/spiritual strength doesn't come easily. It's much like the couch potato watching Biggest Loser and saying “I wish I could lose weight like that.” You can! Get off the couch and move. If you want God's peace and His strength, you can have it. But you've gotta get off the couch and go get it by reading the Word, Praising and Worshiping Him, living a life that is pleasing to Him, and by giving Him everything; not just what you want to give Him. You must give him everything and allow Him to rule and reign over your life.

The difference between me and the patient without God is she's making the decisions on her own, she's battling with what is right and what is wrong, she's thinking about whether there really is an afterlife or not, she believes it's too late for her to ask God for help, and she's a nervous, beat up mess inside.

I will be honest and say I have my days when I wallow in self pity. But I don't stay there. I force myself to get up and move and I'm always listening for that still small voice that prods me to keep moving. For instance, I was watching "Man, Woman, Wild" (my new Netflix obsession) and the woman on the show says... "Winston Churchill once said 'If you're going through hell keep going!' If you sit still you're just waiting to die. Even when you're terrified you have to persevere. You can either choose to lie down and die... or choose to keep moving forward and live another day." Go ahead Netflix PREACH!

That's how God speaks to me ~ sometimes it's on a television program, sometimes it's the radio, sometimes it's a friend's voice and sometimes it's that still small voice you can only hear when you have quieted your spirit and sat in His presence for a time.

So... go ahead and google me. One day I GUARANTEE you will find my obituary. One day you will read how I died. One day these fingers will no longer tap on this keyboard and these arms will no longer hold my grandbabies tight. One day my time will come and I will go to Heaven to be with the Lord and my loved ones who have passed before me.

Even Lazarus (who Christ raised from the dead) had an appointed time to die. You don't still see him strolling around here on earth. Even after being resurrected, Lazarus still had to die. No one gets out without dying. No one. Doesn't matter how good we are, how cute we are, how important we are, how intelligent we are. We are all going to die.

I remember as a child, lying in my bed at night and being terrified of dying. I remember thinking how close the casket was going to come to my face and how once it's shut I'm going to be put under the earth and how claustrophobic that made me feel.

Today I know more about death and understand what Christ has done to swallow up death. The victory is in the life hereafter. The victory is in knowing that I am Heaven bound. The victory is in not being afraid of death or dying. The victory is in the peace that passes understanding. The victory is in having Someone bigger than myself to lean on. The victory is that cancer can't separate me from my God. Cancer can't cripple love. Cancer can't shatter hope. Cancer can't dissolve faith. Cancer can't destroy peace. Cancer can't kill friendship. Cancer can't suppress memories. Cancer can't silence courage. Cancer can't invade the soul. Cancer can't steal eternal life. Cancer can't conquer the spirit.

And cancer can't WIN when you do CANCER GOD'S WAY!