Searching for the Silver Lining ~ are you up to the challenge

Over four years ago, I felt the Lord telling me to stop taking the Sandostatin injections because of the side effects and incredible weight gain. I battled with the idea for quite some time and finally decided that if I didn't stop taking the Sandostatin I was soon going to weigh 600lbs and probably die of a stroke or heart attack. So which was worse: having the Carcinoid symptoms or allowing the Sandostatin to cause other health issues of it's own.
 

I remember clearly the day I went into my doctor's office to let him know that I wasn't going to be taking any more injections. I waited until he weighed me, checked me and finally gave the injection. Then I simply said “Dr. I'm going to stop taking these injections for a while and see how I feel and if my weight will begin to go back down a little.”
 

His face contorted into an angry grimace as he said in a very slow and evil tone “You're making a terrible mistake... You're going to get sick you know... You're going to be in so much pain! You'll be back!! This is a very bad decision. These shots are lengthening your life span you know! You'll be in so much pain... You'll be back....”
 

As I walked out of his office, fear kept trying to grip my soul and I began to second guess whether I had truly heard from God or not. “Oh gosh! Have I made a mistake? Am I going to get really sick? Should I just go back and tell him I changed my mind? Will this shorten my life?!!” But I bit my lip and went to my car praying that God would show up and help me once again.

Days and then weeks went by and I felt the same; no pain, no sickness, nothing out of the ordinary. As each day passed, I felt better about my decision and knew that I really had heard from God after all. I also knew if I ever had to begin taking those injections again I was never going back to Dr. Gloom & Doom!
 

Here's the thing: I believe that cancer patients should have the final word in what treatments they will or will not endure. I believe that unless the patient is completely incoherent, their opinions and their feelings should always trump everyone else's.
 

Yes, family members should get involved in the process of deciding what action/treatments to take. But in the end the patient should get the final word. Here's why: when you are labeled with an incurable disease you feel totally and completely at the mercy of that disease. You feel vulnerable and weak. You feel like you are at the mercy of not only the disease but at the doctors who are (let's be frank here) only guessing at what your best course of action is.
 

There's something empowering when you take control of the reins and start making important decisions about your life and your well being. Unfortunately with a cancer diagnosis, fear normally has the upper hand. Fear normally causes folks to jump at the very first thing offered. For most patients they will do anything out of desperation to just be cured... to just be healed. They will drink the craziest concoctions, rub on the strangest oils, pray the most desperate prayers all in an attempt to get away from the curse that has been put on them.
 

It's only those patients who have total and complete trust in Someone much bigger than themselves who can slow everything down and control the fear that tries to overtake them. It's those folks who have learned how to delve into the word of God and hear His voice who don't feel like they are at the mercy of the physicians and/or the disease. These are the people you see sitting in the doctor's office with a smile on their face and peace in their eyes.
 

Isaiah 48:17 – This is what the Lord says – I am the Lord your God Who teaches you what is best for you. Who directs you in the way you should go.
 

I'm not implying that just because you have a relationship with God means there is no fear or you don't worry you're making the wrong choices. I'm simply saying that much like the eye of the hurricane; you can still have great peace when everything around you is in complete turmoil.
 

Fast forward over four years: At my Carcinoid Specialist's appointment in Columbus, my primary physician suggests I begin the Sandostatin injections once again. She said the tumors hadn't progressed much but that the injections would keep them in check and would also help with the flushing and diarrhea I was experiencing. Being the stubborn woman that I am I simply said, “Let me pray about it and I'll let you know...” You could tell she wasn't happy with my decision but she remained quiet.
 

After receiving the doctor's prescription for monthly Sandostatin injections once again, I began seeking God for direction. Should I take the shot or should I continue to go without them. The doctor believes they will be beneficial but I really don't want to put that stuff in my system again. Am I just being stubborn and stupid or should I begin taking them again.

So my prayer went something like this “Lord, I don't know what to do here. Would you please confirm if You want me to go ahead and start the injections again?” Then I went on about my daily routine. It wasn't but about two days later when I became violently ill. To the point where I ended up in the emergency room.
 

Seriously, I haven't been that sick in years! So the answer to my prayer was pretty clear... go back on the Sandostatin. Be careful of what you pray for. You might not like the answer He gives you.
 

It's so easy to have all the faith you need when you're feeling good. But when the stomach pains and flushing starts so does the battle of the mind. And I believe the battle of the mind is the most intense part of the entire journey.

Am I making the right decisions? Am I seeing the right doctor? Should I take the medications prescribed? Should I try something more natural? Does my doctor know what he/she is really doing? Am I just a Guinea pig?
 

You could literally drive yourself crazy with all the questions and all the feelings and all the grief and all the fear. The moment a person receives a cancer diagnosis the first thing essential lesson they better learn quick is how to control their thoughts! If you allow your thoughts to go wherever they choose, you are going to be a very depressed, bitter, angry and fearful person. You better grab those reins quickly and hold on tight to them throughout the entire journey! Or that pony is gonna take off bucking and kicking.
 

I've always been a glass is half empty kinda girl. Looking back at pictures of my childhood clearly show that. I was always frowning or angry, always felt like the outcast and the unloved. To this day, I have to keep a check on my expectations because if I'm not careful I can take anything/everything personal.
 

As I sulked my way to Columbus to begin the Sandostatin injections again, I kept questioning God. Did you ever have a child in the backseat of the car saying “Do we really have to go there?! I don't wanna go! Why are you making me go there?!” That's pretty much what was going on inside my mind as we traveled for three hours to get to the Cancer Hospital.
 

Through this adventure I've literally had to learn how to brain wash myself. When my thoughts began screaming negative things... I would turn on praise music. When fear would hover over me at night when I couldn't sleep... I would turn on praise music. When I caught myself looking at my grandchildren and wondering if they would even remember me... I would turn on praise music.
 

I don't want to get too deep here, but in the book of Daniel you will read that satan was the worship leader in Heaven before he was cast out of Heaven because of his pride issues. So if he was the worship leader then we know that he knows how to use music to his advantage.  

Surely you've noticed how head banging music stirs up anger and anxiety in a person who listens to it on a regular basis. Or how soft soothing music can calm your spirit and actually help you go to sleep. If you want to teach your child their ABCs how do you do that? By singing My ABCs. Why do you think they insert music into movies? To create the mood they want you to feel (fear, anger, happiness, etc.) Even commercials use music to sell their product.
 

So if we can agree that music is so powerful, then why aren't we using it when we are fearful, or angry, or sad? I gotta tell ya... nothing pulls me out of a depressed funk like some good old praise music. Once I begin remembering how big my God is and how small my problem is to Him, there's an almost instant change in my attitude and my thoughts.
 

I could go on forever about music but I'm just gonna say this one thing: I dare you to put what I'm telling you to the test. When you go to bed tonight, pull out your MP3 player and your ear buds. Play some soothing praise music that talks about the goodness and grace of God. Let it play all night while you're sleeping and see how you feel in the morning. I can almost guarantee that your spirit will have been nourished and you will feel like conquering yet another day.
 

This cancer battle is all about transforming your mind. Life in general is all about transforming your mind. Romans 12:2 says Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing... you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
 

This journey had been transforming me into a “glass is half full” kinda girl. And I'm learning that there is always a silver lining in every cloud. Sometimes you gotta really search for it though.
 

Are you up to the challenge?