First let me beg
you to always visit those you love when they are sick and/or in the
hospital. There are so many people who sit in hospitals with no one
who cares enough to visit.
I understand when
someone gets a diagnosis like cancer, you don't know what to say or
do for them and you don't know how to help them. So the natural thing
is to just stay away in fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. That
is the worst thing you can do. It leaves the patient feeling even
more damaged then they already felt from the diagnosis.
There is this thing
called the Ministry of Presence. That simply means the only thing a
patient really needs from you is your presence. Just by taking time
out of your day to sit with them for a few moments speaks volumes.
There is nothing
you can say to make it all 'better.' There is nothing you can do to
take the pain away. There is nothing you can buy them or bring to
them that will cause them to forget why they are in the hospital in
the first place. So be released of feeling like you have to say the
perfect words, or buy the perfect gift, or even do something
incredible for them. All they need to know is that you care enough to
be there for them. The greatest gift you have to offer is compassion.
If you honestly can
not do hospital visitations (I know people who refuse to go to
hospitals and/or funeral homes), the next best thing is to send a
card. I know it seems old fashion but you would be amazed to know how
many times that card will be read over and over and over again. But
don't stress over what you will write in the card. Simply say “I
love you” or “I'm praying for you” or “I'm here for you.”
It's not the words that touches the patient's heart, it's the fact
that you actually thought of them and cared enough to send the card
in the first place.
But please, please,
please if you tell someone “If you need anything... don't
hesitate to call!” Then you better be willing to back that up if
they call! It's not easy for most patients to ask for help. So if
they actually ask you to do something (no matter how big or how
small), you need to follow through with your promise. Sometimes we
say “if you need anything...” so often that it's much like saying
“How you doing?” as we walk by and don't ever listen for a
response from the other person. It's just the 'right' thing to say at
that moment. But if you promise to be there, then by all means be
there.
I included this
chapter to allow you to hear some thoughts from a patient's
perspective that you may have never heard before. I can be completely
honest here without hurting any feelings and I'm gonna tell you some
things that another patient would never dream of telling you. This is
meant to help you minister better to your friend and also help your
friend receive the care they are longing for during their illness.
Dear Patient,
Always remember,
the things people do (or don't do) are for the most part not done
intentionally but are usually done out of lack of knowledge and/or
experience. In fact, the stories I am about to share are events I am
certain none of those involved are even aware of.
There
is one very important thing you need to keep in mind as people do (or
say) things that pierce your heart deeply: Our fight is not against
people on earth. We are fighting against the rulers and authorities
and the powers of this world’s darkness. We are fighting against
the spiritual powers of evil in the heavenly places. Be
careful and watch out for attacks from the Devil, your great enemy.
He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for some victim to
devour and he would want nothing more than to use a particular
situation or person to bring discouragement and despair into your
life. He will (and usually does) use the person closest to your heart
to cause you to give up and lay down in defeat.
Realize
that you are in a battle for your life and your spouse, or your
child, or your friend is not your enemy. Chances are really good they
are only reacting to the pain they are experiencing by helplessly
watching you go through this difficult time.
Also
keep in mind that when you are in pain or are depressed and/or
anxious, you may be struggling with having a very short fuse. Chances
are good you are far more sensitive to spoken words or inconsiderate
actions than you have ever been before. This will most likely be a
time when you yourself will need to learn great restraint and
unending grace.
Let
me assure you that those around you are NOT trying to hurt you. They
just aren't certain how to help you and that's why I'm including this
chapter. So sit back, give them some slack, make a copy of the next
few pages and find a creative way to get them into the hands of those
you love. You'll be glad you did and so will they.
Okay...
here we go...
THE
GOOD
There
was a guy I worked with. We had a very distant friendship. In fact,
we never really talked much. We never really hung out alot with Mike and
his wife. But for some reason, this man had great compassion for me
during my Chemo Embolization recovery. In fact, his compassion began
months before the Chemo. He would meet my husband and I at a Prayer
Center and begin pouring scripture and encouragement into both of our
souls.
Mike
believed in the healing power of Jesus Christ and his goal was to
convince us that we too could believe in a miracle. Every time we
met, Mike had scriptures to prove that God wanted to heal me even
more than I wanted to be healed. He shared about the stripes that
Christ took for my healing 2,000 years ago. He explained about God's
covenant with us and our inheritance through Christ our Savior.
There
were a few things that Mike shared that were just outside of my faith
zone, but we met with Mike every opportunity we got because when we
left we always felt encouraged and empowered to continue the battle.
After
the Chemo, when I was too ill to meet at the Prayer Center, Mike
would call and ask if he could come over to the house. He always
arrived when Joe was home and always kept his visits short and
precise. And again, we would say our goodbyes with tears in our eyes
and strength in our souls.
To
this day, I feel deeply indebted to our friend for how much he has
poured into us. To this day, I thank God for using Mike in more ways
than he will ever know. Mike's visits were always GOOD visits.
THE
BAD
Everyone
has worn (or has at least seen) those precious revealing gowns that
hospitals insist their patients wear. It doesn't matter if you're
male or female, those gowns leave very little to the imagination.
Once tied up the back, the front of the gown is pressed tightly
against you, showing every little bump and curve. And Heaven forbid
anyone would catch a glimpse of your backside flapping in the breeze
while you wrestle to keep yourself covered.
After
my chemo, the doctors had a very difficult time controlling my blood
pressure and keeping me coherent. My daughter still amazes me with
stories of things I said and did while under the influence of
anesthesia. I have very few memories of that time in my life and
quite frankly would like to keep it that way.
No
one had to convince me that I was a hot mess after my chemo. My hair
was twisted in every direction on top of my head, no makeup, no
brushing or flossing, no showers, nothing. Just me dumping every
ounce of energy into simply trying to survive.
I
do however remember waking up and finding a friend and her husband
sitting at the foot of my bed. We weren't close friends and I had
only met her husband once or twice. As I struggled to uncross and
open my eyes, I immediately noticed two things: #1 how beautiful she
looked and #2 how they were both giving me that ever defeating 'pity'
face.
Her
slender figure was carefully poised with one arm positioned behind
her and her tan legs crossed at the knees. Her makeup was flawless,
and her little blue jean skirt short but not too short. She had a
tiny little cross necklace around her neck and bangle bracelets that
jingled every time she moved.
But
it was her perfume that really got to me! No seriously! As I worked
hard to not look like I was dying (even though that's exactly how I
felt) it was the overwhelming, all consuming fragrance that instantly
turned my stomach and made me want to vomit once again.
As
I smiled sweetly at both of them, I was thinking “How dare she come
in here looking and smelling like that! Here I am with everything I
own hanging out, vomit in the bowl beside me and an overwhelming
smell of my own going on.”
I
was embarrassed and humiliated for even my closest loved ones to see
me that way. Words can't describe how I felt trying to carry on a
coherent conversation with these two love birds in their designer
clothing.
Then
my mind went even further to think “They have the rest of their
lives to spend together while me and my husband are looking at a very
short future. How can they just come in here and flaunt the fact that
they are going to live happily ever after knowing that we are begging
for just one more day together.”
Finally
out of pure humiliation and disgust, I simply closed my eyes,
pretending to sleep and praying they would go home and leave me to my
own pity party and smelliness.
A
few hours later, I woke to a room full of young people laughing quite
loudly. My children and their friends were at the foot of my bed
enjoying each others company. Granted it was really thoughtful for
their friends to travel a great distance to be there, but I really
wasn't in the mood to host a party. So I closed my eyes again and
went back to my own little morphine induced pity party.
THE
UGLY
Okay.
This story is almost unbelievable. But I promise you it's the truth.
After enduring the Chemo Embolization I was at home trying to recover
on the couch when a knock came at my front door. There was no one
there with me so I said “Come on in! The door's open!”
Slowly
the door opens and there stands a lady I knew from church. She
wrestles with the door; her arms filled with a complete meal,
cookies, a card and flowers. At first glance it seemed she had
thought of everything.
After
placing everything in the kitchen, she slipped back into the living
room and sat directly at my feet on the couch. We talked for a little
while before she asked me quite directly how I was feeling.
Feeling
like death sucking on a life saver, I smiled and said “I'm okay”
and that's when the entire visit took a drastic turn. She leaned in
closely to my face and whispers “Brenda... dear... not everyone
gets a miracle you know.”
I
sat there speechless, staring into her eyes and rerunning her words
in my mind to make sure I hadn't misunderstood what she said. Just to
be certain I heard her clearly, she repeated those words that pierced
my heart like a knife. “Brenda... dear... not everyone gets a
miracle you know.”
The
second time she said those words however something ignited a fury
inside of me and it took great restraint not to physically remove her
from my presence. All I could see was me tossing her out the front
door with her meal, her cookies, her card and her flowers.
So
rather than act on what my insides were screaming to do, I simply
laid back on the couch, took a deep breath and with my eyes closed I
said “I'm sorry. I'm really tired. Would you mind coming back
another time?” She said she didn't mind and left immediately.
For
a split second I worried that I may have talked with my face (I have
a tendency to do that), but then I snapped back to reality and
secretly wished I had tossed her out like my gut was telling me to.
People
don't realize the power of the spoken word. They don't understand
that when they leave that patient will either feel blessed and
empowered or will spend weeks or even months to get over what was
just dumped onto them.
Just
recently (over four years after this incident) I ran into my front
door visitor. She made mention of how good I looked and it took every
ounce of discipline I could muster to simply say “Thank you”
without reminding her of the incredibly insensitive words she had
spoken over me. That was over four years ago and it still infuriates
me!
How
do you want people to remember you? Do you want to be a Mike who
encourages or a front door visitor they will have to recover from?
Make sure to always give a patient the thing they need most: HOPE!
Without HOPE we have nothing.
PATIENTS
NEED A GOOD ADVOCATE
Every
patient needs a good Advocate who knows them well. Someone who can
read non-verbal communication like: sighing, getting fidgety, shaking
a leg, rolling your eyes, etc. This Advocate also needs to be someone
who can tell people IN LOVE that their visit is greatly appreciated
but maybe they should come back another time. A person whose main
purpose is to grant the wishes of the patient and isn't too timid to
ask someone to leave.
This
may or may not be your spouse or relative. In my case, my husband
would never dream of asking someone to leave. He has the heart the
size of Texas and couldn't imagine asking someone to come back
another time. So he probably wouldn't be my first choice as my
Advocate.
My
daughter, on the other hand, was created to let people know when
they need to go. She has always been a child that spoke the truth and
most things to Chrissy are black and white. She's just recently
learned how to say what she's thinking very diplomatically and in
love.
Although,
God was very smart by not having her available for my front door
visitor. I'm certain that the very things that were running through
my mind would have come out of Chrissy's mouth. So it was best that I
was home alone for that one.
If
you're the patient, think of someone who would have your best
interest in mind. Someone who is bold but not brash. Someone who is a
great hostess but not a pushover. Someone who knows you well enough
to know when you're feeling uncomfortable or uneasy. Someone you can
trust to speak your heart in love.
If
you're a visitor, always respect the thoughts and opinions of the
Advocate. Their only objective is to make a difficult journey more
bearable for their loved one. And again, don't make it about you.
Make it all about the needs of the patient.
DO:
- take the time to visit people you love
- ask permission to visit before you arrive unannounced
- tell them often how important they are to you
- say I love you
- keep your promises to be there for them
- find ways to always encourage them and empower them to continue in the fight
- try to put yourself in their shoes and be considerate and understanding to the best of your ability
- send cards, take over meals, bake some cookies
- be careful not to 'over dress' while visiting someone in the hospital
- understand that loud voices/noises can be really irritating to the patient
- try to keep your visits short and encouraging
- watch for non-verbal signs from the patient and respect their wishes to be left alone
- always believe the best case scenario for the patient and encourage them to believe it also
- knock on the patient's door and wait to be invited in before entering
- be cheerful and have a pleasant conversation
- listen attentively and give the patient your undivided attention
- worry about what you'll say or do
- allow anything to keep you from being there for the people you love
- make it about you
- worry that you'll do something wrong
- wear perfume/cologne that is overpowering
- take comments from a weary patient personally
- give them the “Pity Face”
- please don't give them the “Pity Face”
- ever tell a person they may not receive a miracle or a healing – no matter how desperate the situation may appear
- visit if you are not feeling well yourself
- take young children with you – unless the patient requests to see them
- expect the patient to entertain you
- weigh the patient down with disturbing news or problems of your own
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