It's not a TUMA... or is it?!

Over the Christmas holidays in 2003, I was experiencing excruciating pains in my stomach. For weeks I was convinced it was just the flu or something I had eaten. While playing the piano with a group of other musicians for our Christmas production, I had to run to the bathroom in between songs to get sick. While lying on the bathroom floor and hugging the toilet, my daughter was by my side encouraging me and rubbing my back. At one point she whispered, “Mom… you don’t think it’s….” She couldn’t bear to even say the word ‘tumor.’ I looked up at her and in my best Arnold Swartzenegger voice I said, “IT‘S NOT A TUMA!”

Because the pain wasn’t constant and would come and go, I decided there was no way I would even consider going to the doctor. Until… this tall, dark, handsome and single man (who just happened to be painting the offices where I work) said, “Brenda, if you make a doctor’s appointment, I’ll take you to your appointment.” Well every single girl around was eyeballing this man and my mama didn’t raise no fool! So I went directly into my office and set up an appointment; when actually all I really wanted to do was get to know this mystery man. He was true to his word and went to the first couple doctor’s appointments with me. He even stood at the bottom of the CT Scanner and rubbed my foot, while I battled claustrophobia in that little CT tube.

But when things started getting intense, he vanished and moved six states away. I’m still thankful he suggested I make an appointment because I don’t think I would have gone to the doctor otherwise. I guess his mission here was finished and he ran for warmer climates and less drama. How could I blame him? If I had a choice I would have run too.

Friday the 13th, February 2004

Two and a half years after the death of my father, I found myself in the same doctor’s office dad had gone to. This time it was me, my mom, my daughter and friend, Carol. The doctor took everyone into one private waiting room then whisked me away to an examining room.

Once she got me in the examining room, she proceeded to do an annual pap smear. In this room there was what appeared to be a leather recliner with stirrups. This was something I had never experienced before and wasn’t a big fan when she stepped on the floor pedal and the recliner turned me upside down on my head with one leg going toward the east and the other going west. I’m trying to be discreet here… but you’ve got to get the entire picture to understand what happened next.

While I’m in this precarious position and looking much like at Butterball turkey ready to be stuffed, the doctor begins talking. Standing by her side is her nurse (the mother of the man I had recently broken off my engagement with) Awkward!

The doctor very nonchalantly began to explain that the blood work came back and confirmed that I too had Carcinoid Cancer ~ just as my father had. She immediately began to use terms like “quality of life” and “keeping me comfortable.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and just stared at her in disbelief. Instantly I was sick to my stomach and couldn’t deal with the words she was saying. The longer she talked the more violated I felt. How can she say these things while she’s got me standing on my head? Don’t I deserve even just a little bit of respect? I couldn’t bear to hear her piercing words more than once so I asked sharply, “Can we please talk about this with everyone else in the other room?” She immediately stopped talking and allowed me to get dressed and go into the room across the hall where everyone was waiting.

When I entered the room I was white as a ghost and everyone immediately knew that what they were about to hear was not good news. The doctor explained once again about my diagnosis and gave a few suggestions of doctors she believed would be helpful. She reaffirmed the fact that there is NO CURE to Carcinoid Cancer, but there were ways of “keeping me comfortable” and “giving me the best quality of life possible.” I refused to allow my mind to go back to when my father died; the pain, the anguish, all the heart ache. I can’t allow my mind to go there! It will completely shut me down! “Don’t go there!” I kept silently repeating in my mind! “Don’t go there!” I did not realize at the time that I had just entered the most difficult part of a cancer diagnosis; the battle of your mind. Disciplining my thought life was something I would battle with for years to come.

She finally stopped speaking and walked out of the room and for just a second we all sat frozen in total silence and disbelief. My mom got up first and wrapped her arms around me. “I’m so sorry mom!” I whispered in her ear as we both began to cry. As hard as I tried, I could not stop the thoughts that were already racing through my mind. “Who’s going to take care of me? Who will be there when I die?” Chrissy just got engaged a few days ago, I can’t burden her with this. There was no way I was going to put my mom through this again! I wouldn’t do that to my mom! Not when she‘s just beginning to heal. At this time in my life, it was just me and my cat and quite frankly up until this very moment I kinda liked it that way. “When I get really sick,” I thought to myself, “I’ll leave and take care of myself at the end.”

My daughter jumped in and hugged the two of us then my friend, Carol wrapped her arms around all of us. We stayed in that little room until we could regain our composure. I paid for the doctor’s visit at the front desk and then we all painted on a fake smile and walked out of the doctor’s office as if nothing had happened. As soon as Carol reached her car, she began making calls to explain to the people at the church about my diagnosis so I wouldn’t have to. By the time Chrissy and I started down the road, people were getting the news and already began to pray.

As soon as we got into Chrissy’s car, I called my son. I didn’t want him to hear this news from anyone else. Then Chris and I just wandered around kind of shopping and waiting for 7pm when we could go to the Friday night service. Every Friday night I played the keyboard at our church and I just couldn’t imagine not being there tonight; even after the heavy load that was just dumped on our shoulders.

At 7pm I went to the keyboard on the church platform and began worshipping with the team. What else was I supposed to do? Where else am I supposed to turn? If I sit in the congregation, I’m just going to cry and fall apart. God is the only Person Who can help me now.

During previous trials, I learned one very important lesson: when we least feel like worshipping, that’s when we need to worship most. Through my divorce, through the loss of my son, through the death of my father, I began to realize that whenever I offered a sacrifice of praise God would (much like super glue) take all the fragmented pieces of my heart and mind and put them back together; giving me the strength to get through one more day.

After worship, our pastor brought Chrissy and I to the front and the entire church began to pray for my miraculous healing. It was awesome and comforting to know we have so many good friends on our side. I was reminded of the story in Mark when a man sick with palsy had friends who were willing to lift his mat and carry him to the rooftop.

Mark 2:1-12 (MSG) After a few days, Jesus returned to Capernaum, and word got around that he was back home. A crowd gathered, jamming the entrance so no one could get in or out. He was teaching the Word. They brought a paraplegic to him, carried by four men. When they weren't able to get in because of the crowd, they removed part of the roof and lowered the paraplegic on his stretcher. Impressed by their bold belief, Jesus said to the paraplegic, "Son, I forgive your sins." Some religion scholars sitting there started whispering among themselves, "He can't talk that way! That's blasphemy! God and only God can forgive sins." Jesus knew right away what they were thinking, and said, "Why are you so skeptical? Which is simpler: to say to the paraplegic, 'I forgive your sins,' or say, 'Get up, take your stretcher, and start walking'? Well, just so it's clear that I'm the Son of Man and authorized to do either, or both . . ." (he looked now at the paraplegic), "Get up. Pick up your stretcher and go home." And the man did it—got up, grabbed his stretcher, and walked out, with everyone there watching him. They rubbed their eyes, incredulous—and then praised God, saying, "We've never seen anything like this!"

Almost immediately I would need to learn how to lean on the faith of my friends. It was the prayers, love and support of so many friends that kept me moving forward. It was the strength I felt through their words of encouragement that kept me from drowning in self pity.

Back before I had accepted Christ as my Savior, I remember thinking that if I ever became a Christian I wouldn’t have any friends. The funniest part about that is ~ at that time in my life I didn’t have any friends! Today, over twenty years later, my life is blessed with hundreds of friends. Sure, there is only a handful of close ‘intimate’ friends, but literally hundreds of other people truly care about me and what I’m going through! And that’s all I really needed to know at this moment in my journey.

A quick class on Carcinoid Cancer

Carcinoid Cancer is often known as cancer in slow motion. Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy’s hamburger food chain had Carcinoid for 10 years before it metastasized to his liver and in 2002 he died at the age of 69.

Carcinoid tumors emit large quantities of chemicals like serotonin, histamines and other problems. Most people who experience Carcinoid Syndrome because their cancer has metastasized to the liver.

Some of the Carcinoid Syndrome Symptoms are:

• Uncontrollable diarrhea
• Flushing
• Low blood pressure
• Asthma like wheezing
• Heart damage/rapid heart beat/Heart valvular lesions
• Cramping/abdominal pain
• Arthritis
• Peripheral edema - a swelling of the ankles, legs, hands and arms, or neck and face.
• Cyanosis - characteristic bluish skin spots that appear after flushing, and are produced by a lack of oygenated blood circulation.
• Pellagra - nutritional deficiency that causes symptoms such as skin rash
• Telangiectasia - reddish spots or veins that appear most often on the face, chest or arms.

The syndrome symptoms can be so severe that they, not the Carcinoid tumors, are the cause of death. Carcinoid Tumors most frequently appear in African American women between the ages 50 to 70 and this is not hereditary. The chances of dad and I both being diagnosed with Carcinoid are slim to none. All I gotta say is, “Someone’s got some explaining to do then!”

There is another condition referred to as Carcinoid Crisis which causes a fatal episode of flushing, low blood pressure, confusion and breathing difficulty and must be handled immediately. Carcinoid Crisis can be caused by having anesthesia, chemotherapy, or can happen for no apparent reason. For more information you can visit a webpage at www.carcinoid.com.

It didn’t take me but a few jumps on the google search engine to realize the internet was not going to be my friend during this journey. So I determined in my heart to let the doctors do their job and resist the urge to do any further investigating of this very frightening diagnosis on the internet.

Here is a partial list of the doctors I visited and the various tests that were done.

Jan 19, 2004 Sharon Regional CR ABD UPPER WO/W Contrast
Jan 30, 2004 Sharon Regional 5HIAA urine 24/HR
Feb 4, 2004 Sharon Regional liver needle biopsy
Friday the 13th Feb 2004 Sharon Reg. 1st Carcinoid diagnosis

When I was diagnosed at the doctor’s office, my friend, Carol wasn’t going to take this Carcinoid diagnosis lying down. She immediately began making plans for us to get a second opinion… then a third… then a fourth… eventually I lost count of how many different doctors we tried to get an appointment with.

Mar 10,2004 Hillman Cancer Ins. Ocreotide Scan & 2nd Carcinoid diagnosis

On my 44th birthday, March 10, 2004 I had an appointment at a Pittsburgh, Pa hospital for more testing. The night before the actual test, I was given several doses of radiation and then 24 hours later went through a barrage of testing. My mom, Chrissy and friend, Carol and I spent the night in a hotel close to the hospital.

That night in the hotel was one I will never forget. Weeks in advance, Carol contacted several women at the church to let them know that I would be in the hospital on my birthday. Then she smuggled gifts, cards, flowers and so much more into the hotel room without me knowing it. I’m still not certain how she accomplished all of that. But what a blessing!

The night before my testing, I came out of the shower to find the room fully decorated with flowers and banners and a bed full of gifts from my friends back home. Tears immediately filled my eyes and flowed freely down my cheeks for several hours while I read each card and opened each gift. There is no way to describe the strength my soul gathered from each act of kindness these ladies displayed toward me. The four of us sat in amazement as we felt the love of so many pour over us right there in the hotel room.

The next morning, I got into the shower and mindlessly squeezed liquid soap into the palm of my hand. When I looked down at the soap I couldn’t believe my eyes. The soap had formed the perfect outline of a heart! I stood there amazed as I watched it fill in and remain in the shape of a perfect heart. Then a still small voice spoke to my heart and said, “Rest in My love My child.”

During the scan I was thinking how cruel the nursing staff was to be eating their lunch in front of a woman who hadn’t been allowed to eat for two days. Then I had a thought. “Someone has to help the doctors and nurses believe in miracles; and restore their compassion, someone needs to spur them on to do their jobs in a spirit of excellence while anxiously awaiting a healing from Someone much bigger than themselves.”

After lying on a cold, hard, metal table for literally hours during the testing, we once again received another Carcinoid diagnosis. This wasn’t going to stop us. We immediately made an appointment with a doctor from John Hopkins in Baltimore, Maryland.

Mar 23, 2004 John Hopkins Two separate doctors - 3rd & 4th Carcinoid diagnosis

Funny story about John Hopkins: first what we were expecting the hospital to look like and what John Hopkins actually looks like was astounding. As we drove toward the hospital, it seemed we were in a ghetto like none I’ve ever experienced before. Once in the hospital, I was wondering if maybe God was going to do something out of the ordinary through this chance meeting with the young, good looking Dr. John Doe (name changed for obvious reasons).

When we looked Dr. Doe up on the internet, we all commented on how… well… how appealing his picture and bio were. Mostly his picture. Upon arrival, we waited in the waiting room forever and then were taken to an examining room. As we all sat in the examining room, we chuckled and talked about what this encounter with Mr. Gorgeous might turn out to be.

After a long, long wait, the door finally opened and this old, grey haired, doctor with a poochy tummy walked in and introduced himself. I wanted to look around for the Candid Cameras, but instead sat quietly trying to listen to his diagnosis while my mind was screaming “Hey! Wait a minute! Where’s that gorgeous hunk of a man whose picture with your name is on the internet?” When we left our appointment, we looked him up again and sure enough it was Mr. Gorgeous about 20 years after the picture had been taken. How cruel is that? Besides, what man in his right mind would marry a woman with stage 4, terminal cancer anyways?

So in just a few short months, we traveled as far as from Pittsburgh, Pa to John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland only to hear the same diagnosis. Finally, I knew that I needed to resolve to the fact that I wasn’t going to get a different diagnosis and wasn’t going to find someone with a magical cure.

So with one more doctor to visit, a Carcinoid Specialist in Columbus Ohio, I found a doctor I could trust and stuck with her for many years of CT Scans and appointments.

Mar 26, 2004 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt confirming 5th Carcinoid diagnosis
May 8, 2004 OSU Cancer Hosp ABCD lesions in liver growing in size
June 24, 2004 OSU Cancer Hosp Clincial Trial cancelled due to sudden death side effects

On June 2004, I was scheduled for an experimental, clinical trial. The doctor had explained the risk involved but it was my only hope of a cure. Two days before I was to begin the treatments, the trial was shut down.

When we went to OSU Cancer Hospital for my appointment (which should have been the beginning of my Clinical Trial), I will never forget the look on Chrissy’s face as the doctor explained (in broken English) that the reason the Trial was cancelled was because several people had already experienced “sudden death” while beginning the treatments!

Poor Chrissy. Every time she heard the words “sudden death” she turned white as a ghost and almost fell off the stool in the doctor’s office. She said later she honestly thought she was going to pass out when she realized just how close I was to receiving an injection that could have taken my life suddenly.

Sudden death was not a side effect any of us were willing to chance. It was at this moment I realized that God wasn’t finished with me yet. Lu 4:10 - 'He shall give His angels charge over you, To keep you,' If He was going to protect me from “sudden death” then I needed to trust Him completely and walk this journey out.

July 15, 2004 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.
Oct 21, 2004 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.
Jan 8, 2005 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.
Feb 24, 2005 OSU Cancer Hosp cholecystectomy (gallbladder removed because Sandostatin was causing gallbladder sludge)

Doctors expected me to be down for a long, long time after this cholecystectomy. Actually, I bounced right back up and was ready to get back to life as usual. What was nice about this particular operation was I got to see what my boyfriend, Joe Lantini was like under pressure. I’m happy to say he passed with flying colors under the watchful eye of Carol and Chrissy.

Aug 25, 2005 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.
Dec 14, 2006 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.
Dec 15, 2006 OSU Cancer Hosp small bowel resection with side to side anastomosis

My appointment was supposed to be a simple CT Scan & appt. But unbeknownst to me, there was a bowel blockage that was ready to burst. It was so severe that the doctor admitted me immediately and scheduled the small bowel resection for early the next morning.

Now don’t let the word SMALL bowel resection fool ya. They took over 2 feet of my small bowel. But once again, thanks to the faithfulness of God I bounced right back and a week after surgery I was out strolling the malls and Christmas Shopping for our four month old grandson, Gavin.

Now I’m not endorsing having surgery to get out of all the Christmas drama but I gotta say having this surgery during the Christmas season was a real blessing. When I left on December 14th I had very little Christmas shopping, baking, cleaning, and/or wrapping done. While I was in the hospital, Chrissy took my credit card in hand and had everything handled before I came home.

We would crack up when a super cautious sales clerk would call my cell and ask if I was Brenda Lantini. I would simply say “Yes I am” and instantly Chrissy had the ability to charge just about anything she wanted on my card. Now, correct me if I’m wrong but couldn’t anyone steal my credit card and have the sales clerk call anyone’s cell to get permission to make purchases?!

Dec 18, 2006 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.
Feb 23. 2006 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.
Mar 8, 2006 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.
Jan 4, 2007 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.
May 10, 2007 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.
June 6, 2008 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.

When I was first diagnosed, the doctors said that the primary tumor was in my small bowel with multiple tumors in my liver. When I asked how many tumors were in my liver, the doctors simply said, “Too many to count!” They continued by saying that there is no cure for Carcinoid, there are no treatments and they offered no hope. Then they hinted at a very short life span for me; since it had already metastasized to my liver. They explained that toward the end of the disease they could do Chemo Embolization. But this treatment was only designed to “buy me time” and couldn’t be repeated more than 2-3 times because each time it’s administered it’s a little less effective.

July 15, 2008 OSU Cancer Hosp Chemo Embolization

You can read more about my Chemo Embolization in Chapter Six.

July 28, 2008 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.
Aug 18, 2008 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.
Aug 24, 2008 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.
Oct 9, 2008 OSU Cancer Hosp CT Scan & appt.

In October of 2008 I lost my job and my medical insurance. Which meant that all doctor’s visits at James Cancer Hospital or anywhere else were finished. At this time, I found myself battling my thought life again. Fear, confusion and a host of other emotions wanted to take over but I couldn’t let them.

At times I wondered what kept me going. Why didn’t I lose faith? Why didn’t I just give up? I can assure you the strength to carry on was nothing of my own doing. It was the faithful love and mercy of my Heavenly Father that kept me going. If it had been up to me, I would have thrown my hands up in defeat at the very beginning. But it was His stubborn love that kept drawing me back.

It was also a series of daily choices. Choices like: Continuing to play keyboard for praise and worship regardless of whether I felt like it or not, literally running home and covering my head whenever I was tempted to find comfort in the things of this world, willing to be a Godly example for those who are faced with the heartache and challenge of cancer and trying to find some way to glorify the Lord through it all.

For several years I was faced with daily choices. Some were obvious choices and some were not as obvious. Some I understood what God was doing, some I did not. But in the midst of the storm even though it seemed like the sun would never shine again; I realized that if I just gave it time the Son would shine brightly once again. It doesn’t stay dark forever. Seasons change ~ but God never changes. Finally after a long, long time I was able to look back and realize the hand of God had led me every step of the way.

At the beginning of the diagnosis, many people (out of the goodness of their hearts) began giving me books, cassettes, CDs, bottles of liver enhancers and many other concoctions guaranteed to heal my cancer. At first, I was tempted to begin reading every book, take every pill and drink every bottle of ‘cures’ that were given to me. What did I have to lose? Let’s try it all! But then as I searched my heart, I told the Lord that I was going to trust Him completely. When this was all said and done I didn’t want anything to take the credit for the miracle God was going to do.

Now I’m not saying if your doctor suggests a certain medication not to take it. I took a Sandostatin shot monthly to control the symptoms of the Carcinoid for over four years. What I’m talking about are the things you see on T.V. promising to cure you, the bestselling books that have YOUR answer to health. I believe one of the things that enabled me to keep my peace of mind was by not going on all those wild goose chases and trusting God totally and completely.

In 2004, the Carcinoid Specialist was using terms like “quality of life,” “keeping me comfortable” and “buying time.” Of course, I was devastated. Everything I ate made me violently ill and caused severe pain. Pain like I’ve never experienced in my life. To best describe the pain I would say it felt like I had a metal corset that covered my entire trunk. The pain would begin and keep getting tighter and tighter until it caused me to roll up in a ball on the floor crying and gasping for breath. At times I would vomit and have chills with the pain. At other times I didn’t.

Almost daily I found myself lying on the bathroom floor praying for relief from the pain and wondering if that relief was going to come in the form of me going to Heaven. I began preparing for my death by securing a cemetery lot and writing out what I’d like my funeral service to look like. Until one day I shook myself and said, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! STOP THAT!”

The power of life and death are in the tongue and I needed to stop speaking negatively. I needed to stop planning on dying. I needed to stop entertaining the fear that would flood my soul at night. I needed to believe that God was able to deliver me and that He had a plan for my life during this painful time.

But even during all the pain and all the fear, the greatest heartache in my life was the fact that I had lost contact with my son, Josh. I remember throwing myself across my bed on New Year’s Eve 2004 (just 6 weeks before my diagnosis) and crying out to God. “Lord” I cried, “I can’t bear to not have a relationship with my son. My aching heart is killing. Please bring him back into my life! Do whatever it takes God! Please God!”

God always hears our prayers but doesn’t always answer the way we thought He would. I believed He was going to bring Josh back but I never dreamed He was going to do it through a cancer diagnosis.

Then one Sunday after church, I was lying in severe pain on the couch with my heating pad. When my front door opened and my son, Josh walked back into my life like he had never left. The same young man who hadn’t spoken to me for over four years was back and it was time for us to begin building our relationship again. At first it was a little awkward. But no matter how far apart we had been, the love we had for each other went farther.

After several visits, he was sitting in my rocking chair in the living room and said, “Mom. You know if it wasn’t for the cancer diagnosis I wouldn’t be sitting here.” Tears filled my eyes and I said, “Ya. I know. And if I had a choice I’d do it all over again in a heart beat.”

It was the cancer diagnosis that brought him back into my life and we both knew it. God always answers prayer – just not always the way we expect or would like Him to.

Josh and I have a GREAT relationship now. He and his wife, Megan visit often and it’s always fun when we go out for JIB-Jab hotdogs or ice cream. Sometimes when I look at him I think of how desperately I missed him while he was gone. Then I smile and remind my heart that God really does do miracles.

Not only did the Lord restore my relationship with my son, Josh; but when I married Joe God also gave me another son, Joey Lantini III, and two step-sons John and Giovan, two step daughters Katina and Tiffany, a step-granddaughter Gianna and a step-grandson Little Giovan. (I only use the term ‘step’ in order to be politically correct). They are all my kids as far as I’m concerned. And I’ve sincerely enjoyed getting to know each one of them.

For years I mourned my loss especially at Christmas when I just didn’t have any reason to put up the stockings. Because there were no children in my house to open them. Now, I have a tough time finding enough room for all sixteen stockings. During the time of the divorce it seemed like I had lost everyone and everything, but God promises that He will restore the years that the locust hath eaten… Job 2:25

When locust devour a crop the farmer needs to keep sowing seeds and waiting. Eventually seasons change and new life begins again. I am a blessed woman to have so many children in my life. I could have never guessed that this was even possible. But God. He is so faithful.

I just wanna be fruity

Here are some notes I have written down in a gazillion different journals… on slips of paper… napkins… anywhere and everywhere. These little blurbs of thought reveal the depth of thought and feeling involved with a cancer diagnosis. The best part? They still encourage ME today as I go back and read them. Let me assure you, I’m not always on the top of my game. There have been many days when I’ve wondered if God was even with me. There have been many days when I can’t think of one good reason to go on to the next day. But God. He always seems to speak loudest when we finally decide to be quiet and listen.


4-28-04
Here's a poem I wrote on 4-28-2004 while lying on the bathroom floor wondering if I was going to die. I was in pain I had never experienced before and felt completely and totally alone. Yet I also kept mostly to myself because I didn't want to burden anyone. Only two months into my journey and I was just beginning to learn how to lean on my faith and trust in the Lord.

While I was laying on the floor, this poem came to my mind and I remember thinking "you've gotta be kidding me the pen and paper are in the other room!" They seemed so far away but I knew if I didn't write it down immediately it would be lost forever. But I managed to get into the other room, grabbed the pen and paper, laid back down on the floor and began to write.

I'd like to say there was a miracle and the pain went away immediately, but it didn't. Although a peace and calm that I can't explain came over me and I knew no matter what happened I was going to be alright.

HERE I AM AGAIN LORD

Here I am again Lord

With so many questions on my mind

Ashamed to doubt Your Sovereignty

As so many answers I seek to find

I know that You are able

And working for my good

There are just some things I wish

I somehow understood

Like, why this painful journey

And why this winding road

Why must I carry such a burden

And why such a heavy load

Are you trying to speak to my heart Lord

Are You leading me this way

If I know that You are with me

Then on this path I will gladly stay

I trust in You completely

And know You have a plan

I know Your ways aren't my ways

Your thoughts are much higher than man's

So... yes I will follow

I will go wherever You send

Only because I know that when it's over

I'll be with You in the end

Your love is what encourages me

Your strength is my best friend

It's Your peace that brings me comfort

Along each rough and winding bend

10-14-04
Father,
At the beginning of this year as I lay across my bed crying out for a relationship with my son and asking You to do ‘whatever it takes’ You said, “The road will be a little bumpy. But this is your year.” Today, ten months and a cancer diagnosis later I realize You weren’t kidding about the bumpy road. I also realize that the “life more abundant” is the attitude of one’s heart.

Lord, You have pruned me deeply. It seems there is nothing left of the vine. But I understand that in order to bear much fruit, the pruning is necessary. Therefore, I will not fight the process. I only ask that You would use me to bear much fruit ~ for Your glory and for Your honor.

Amen.

10-16-04
My next scan is next Thursday, the 21^st at Columbus, Ohio. The past couple of days I’ve been wrestling with the “what ifs”. I know the Lord touched me on September 10^th. I know I’ve been healed. But what if the scan doesn’t prove my healing? What if the doctor doesn’t confirm that healing?

I’m not so much concerned about me… I’ve come to terms with life and death. My concern is God’s integrity. (Just typing that out makes me laugh. Who am I to alter the integrity of God?) Yet I want to be able to encourage others who are facing issues like cancer, disease and divorce. I want them to see the mighty healing power of God. Many people have heard that I was healed. The word has spread quickly. What if…

My brother put it so wisely the other day when he said, “God has healed you. You just don’t know how yet.” I understand that many are healed miraculously, many through chemo and radiation, some get the ultimate healing when they go home to be with the Father; where the sting of death can never touch them again, where there are no tears, no pain, no sin, no rejection, no divorce, no hate, nothing but life and peace for eternity.

God had a plan and purpose when He created me in my mother’s womb. How could I possibly think I could improve on His plan? This diagnosis has not taken Him by surprise. I don’t believe He gave me cancer. But I do believe He knew this was going to happen and He has a plan to work it all out for His glory.

The things I’ve endured have all been a part of His incredible plan and destiny for my life. My only responsibility, my only requirement is that I trust Him and walk it out daily. He only asks that I remain faithful and allow His plan to unfold in my life.

God clearly told us in the Word that what gives Him glory is when we bear much fruit. Do I have any fruit? I want to bear much fruit… for His glory.

　

11-20-04
I’m beginning to learn that most of those who are used greatly by God can point to a day in their life when they made a formal decision to live for God’s glory. I’m not certain why I didn’t see this all along. If you read the scriptures, all the testimonies of great men and women of God went through tremendous trials and hardship. But when you decide to live for God’s glory, you must also understand that there are conditions. Think of any great person in the Bible and I'm certain you will see that these three conditions are true:
#1 You get nothing in return
#2 There are no warm fuzzies or great personal joy involved
#3 It’s all done to increase God’s reputation

Oh God, I want only what You want for my life. From this day forward, I will measure success, achievement and fulfillment by doing good works that bring You glory. Today I sign over ownership of my life to You; asking only the You will use me to show the world what a wonderful God You are!

Who's gonna date a girl with Stage Four Cancer?

After my divorce in 1999, this very broken, scarred and scared woman entered a new life. There was no way for me to understand what single women go through on a daily basis. It wasn’t until I experienced the meat market mentality that was out there, that I could fully sympathize with a woman who simply wanted to live her life and be happy again.

Shortly after my divorce, I met several men. Now mind you, I had no intentions of ever entering into another relationship. The pain of the first was enough to keep me single for the rest of my life. At this point in my life, it was just me and my cat and I was really okay with that. She liked to cuddle and purr and only made noise when she was hungry or needed her litter box changed. Life at my house was finally peaceful and relaxing and I was going to do whatever it took to keep it that way.

CHANCE ENCOUNTERS BEFORE THE CANCER DIAGNOSIS:

At Christmas time, my boss called me on the intercom and said “You have a gorgeous bouquet of roses up here in the main office.” Confused and a little excited I went upstairs and brought the roses to my office. The card wished me a Merry Christmas but there was no name.

Obviously this Mystery Man doesn’t know me at all! Instead of appreciating the beauty of the flowers, I focused on the unknown admirer. How could he do this? Will he ever reveal himself? Was this from one of the girls from the office trying to make me feel better? Oh…. I wasn’t happy about this at all.

Almost a month later, a guy I barely knew walked up to me and said, “So did you like your roses?” I spun around and asked, “Were those from you?!” He smiled at my shocked expression. I wasn’t even certain what his name was. Why in the world would he send me roses? Then he said quite seriously, “Would you like to marry me?” Oh boy… now I knew I was in trouble. I smiled sweetly and said, “Oh you’re too kind but I’ve gotta go” and slipped away as swiftly as I could.

Another encounter happened as I was trying to get my belongings out of my house during the divorce, a police officer asked me to stop in at the police station and pick up some paperwork he thought was important for me to have. So of course, I went to the station and he buzzed me in. The door unlocked, I walked in and the door locked behind me. Being the very naïve (newly single) woman that I was, I strolled into the main office and was a bit surprised that there was no one else in the police station.

It didn’t take long before I realized that (much like a trapped rabbit) I was in a very bad situation. I grabbed the paperwork and literally ran to the front door. It was still locked. By then the police officer came up very close behind me and whispered “I can’t stop thinking about you. I wake up thinking about you and I go to sleep thinking about you.” My heart was pounding and I wondered if people were going to read about how they found my dead body somewhere!

I spun around, looked him straight in the eyes and said, “That’s great! Now if you want to help me… why don’t you stop THINKING about me… and start PRAYING for me?!” His face was priceless. That was not the response he had anticipated. How do you continue with your sexy approach when this crazy lady just wants to pray?!

He reached over, stuck the key in the door and unlocked it. I bolted like a wild deer! From that moment on, I knew I needed to stop being so naïve if I was going to survive the life of a single woman.

During this time, there were a couple men who came and went. They were probably great guys, but this girl wasn’t letting her guard down for anyone! No one was going to get even remotely close to this aching heart! And with each bad experience, the wall I had built became thicker and thicker.

Then I was reunited with a long time friend, began dating, became engaged and planned to marry on October 19, 2002. This relationship was safe because I had known him for many, many years. In fact, my first husband introduced us one day years prior. I knew his family, I knew he was a Christian, I knew everything about him. We tried to make this relationship work and kept struggling to move forward. But this was not from God and after several years it fell apart and I found myself alone once again.

CHANCE ENCOUNTERS AFTER THE CANCER DIAGNOSIS:

Then there was the tall, dark, handsome and single man who just happened to be painting the offices where I work. He convinced me to make a doctor’s appointment and took me for a couple of the very first doctor’s visits. But when things got intense and I received my Carcinoid diagnosis, he vanished and moved six states away.

Not long after the diagnosis, another man stepped into my life. Again, my wall was up and the lock on my heart was bolted down! But this patient man was persistent. We spoke a few times and then had dinner together. As we were leaving, he leaned over to give me a completely innocent little kiss. I quickly turned my face and it landed on my cheek.

When I looked at his shocked face, I began to blush and said, “I’m sorry but I’m not looking for a relationship at this time in my life. I’ve got a lot going on and would really like to just be friends if that’s okay with you.” He smiled and said, “That’s fine.”

From that point on this man made me feel like a queen. He would pamper me and spoil me. When I was sick, he would hover over me and make sure he was making me feel as comfortable as possible. He worried about me. He prayed for me. But most importantly, he made me laugh….

At this point in my life, all I really needed was someone who could really make me laugh and he did that effortlessly. When I was with him, I would life hysterically at the situations we would find ourselves in. I felt safe with him and I enjoyed his company a lot. But there just weren’t any feelings there for me. There was nothing telling me that this might be the man I should marry. In my heart he was (and still is) a very dear friend who was there for me during probably the most difficult time of my life.

Then one day I heard the Lord say “You can’t more forward until you close this chapter of your life.” And I knew exactly what He was referring to. My intentions were to send my good friend an email the next day explaining how I felt. When I woke up the next morning, there was an email waiting for me. He had called it all off. He didn’t want to remain friends and couldn’t remain in our relationship if that‘s all it was ever going to be. That stung a little but I knew he was right and thanked him for being there for me and for being such a good friend.

When I look back at what seemed like chance encounters, I realize they didn’t happen by chance at all. Each person who came into my life for one reason or another, was there to teach me something, to show me something, to help mold me into the person I was created to be.

It wasn’t but a few weeks after my friend and I agreed to not see each other again, I was invited to a single’s picnic. That was the last place on earth I wanted to be. But God had other plans. He knew the plans He had for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a future and a hope. My journey continued with a covered dish, an empty chair and a broken arm.

A covered dish, an empty chair and a broken arm

After several relationships and some real craziness in this single girl's life, I decided that with the cancer diagnosis I had more than enough on my plate without complicating it by being in a relationship. To be completely honest with you, I was really enjoying being single.

For the first time in my life, I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. If I didn't feel like cleaning the house, I didn't. If I didn't feel like cooking dinner, I didn't. This was the first time in my adult life that it was all about me. For the first time in over forty years, I was getting my nails done, going tanning, joined the gym and was beginning to really like the lifestyle I found myself living.

For the past twenty plus years without even knowing it, I had adopted a martyr's mentality. I thought if I put everyone else's needs before my own that made me a better person. In my singleness I was beginning to realize that everything has to be kept in check and balance. It wasn't healthy to put everyone before myself and it wasn't healthy to make it all about me either. So I was learning how to balance this tightrope called life and let God show me how to successfully maneuver through my singleness.

Me and kitty just did our own thing and were quite content with this stage of life. The girls at work however were not impressed with my decision to remain single. Day after day... after day... they prodded me to go with them to the single's events. And event after event I dodged the bullet. But finally they wore me down and I told them I would go to the Single's Picnic. “I'm only going to one event!” I demanded. “Then you've got to stop bugging me.” They agreed and I reluctantly signed up for the picnic.

A few days before the picnic I had been canoeing with a friend. We flipped the canoe and landed in the river. On the way over the side of the canoe I managed to break my arm. So picture this single girl attending her first single's event, stumbling across the lawn with a casserole balanced precariously on her cast. The cast was my excuse to exit the picnic early. My plan was to smile politely, sit for about an hour and then take my wounded self home. It sounded completely reasonable to me.

As I approached the back porch, I was shocked at how many men and women were actually there. Stepping past a man sitting on the steps, my anxiety level began to rise. What in the world was I doing here? How did I ever let those girls talk me into this?

I knew very few of the women and even less of the men. My eyes glanced around the crowd and before I knew it I was actually enjoying watching people. There was one desperate girl there who had me howling with laughter inside. She was working those men over big time. She had all of their attention. All but one.

The man sitting on the bottom step when I arrived was still sitting there quietly watching the same charades I was watching. Trying not to be obvious, I would glance in his direction to see if I could figure him out. He had very kind eyes and a great smile. Whenever he spoke I tried desperately to hear what he was saying. When I caught myself I thought, “What are you doing? You've finally got all your ducks in a row. He could mess up everything!”

As I sat in a big blue lawn chair just enjoying the show, everyone decided to go sit by the bonfire. When I stood, I wasn't certain whose chair I had been sitting in and was embarrassed I had forgotten to bring my own. The man with the kind eyes came over and said “Hi. I'm Joe. That's my chair but you can sit in it. Would you like me to carry it to the fire for you.”

Ms. Independence wanted to snap back “No! I'll get it myself!” But it was obvious that me and my pathetic cast needed help. So I simply smiled and followed him to the fire. Once he had me situated by the fire, he sat on a log beside me. My heart was pounding and I didn't want to have a conversation with anyone especially not this Joe guy. He talked with everyone around him and I really enjoyed listening to his conversations. Then without warning, he turned to me and tried to strike up a conversation. This anti-social, terrified, single girl (who looked so confident on the outside) did everything within her power avoid his attention. It was only a few moments when I let everyone know that my arm was beginning to bother me and I was going to go home.

Joe immediately got up, went and found my casserole dish and walked me to my car. I quickly threw all of my belongings in the trunk of my car, thanked him for his help and sped down the driveway to freedom. I could not wait to get out of that uncomfortable situation and get back to the safety of my little home and my little kitty.

Finally tucked into bed I began thinking. “I wonder what he's really like. I wonder what his story is. I wonder if he's really as nice as he seems. I wonder...” Then I would scold myself for thinking about him and forced myself to fall asleep.

For days I caught myself thinking about this mysterious Joe Lantini. Every time I did I would scold myself again and turn my thoughts in a different direction. After a couple of weeks, I was really upset that he hadn't called. After all I work at the church. He knows that. All he has to do is call the church and ask for me. Why isn't he calling. Wasn't he interested in getting to know me? Why was I so interested in getting to know him then? Stop it! Move on! Single life is the best!

Three months later our singles group was planning another event. This time they were going on a romantic riverboat excursion featuring sightseeing, dinner and specialty entertainment. Would he invite me to go? Would he take someone else? Why am I torturing myself this way? He probably hasn't thought of me once in the past three months. I mean "come on" it's been three months!

One Sunday morning as I was getting dressed to go to church, I was looking in the mirror thinking about this Joe guy again. Should I go to the cruise and hope to meet him there? Should I see if he's signed up to go? Should I just ask him? No. Definitely not that. That's way too bold.

So I said “Lord. If You put him in front of me I'll ask if he's going. But You've gotta put him right in my face.” After first service I had to grab some music before second service started. So I went sprinting up the center aisle and without thinking threw open the double doors.

Guess who I just about knocked out with the double doors. You got it. That Joe Lantini guy. I could feel the heat in my face as I apologized for almost knocking him over. He smiled and said “Hey. I was going to ask if you are going on the Gateway Clipper.” And before I knew what was happening, a giggly-squeaky little voice came blaring out of my mouth saying, “I'll go if you are!”

Again, the heat in my face got more intense. What is wrong with me? Why am I acting so desperate? I thought I liked being single. What in the world is going on with me?

The long and short of it... we went to the Gateway Clipper with a van full of others but for four hours it was just the two of us. We talked non-stop and laughed like there was no one else around. We stood on the deck and tried desperately to find something we had in common. The only thing we found we had in common was God.

Joe had just graduated from Teen Challenge a year earlier after being an alcoholic and drug addict for thirty years. As he shared his story with me, my mind kept screaming “What are you doing? Why aren't you running?” I couldn't believe some of the things he had been through and some of the things he had experienced. I couldn't believe he was being so open. I couldn't believe I wasn't scared to death. Why was I so enamored by this man and where did I really think this relationship was going to end up?

Joe and I couldn't have come from more opposite lives. He had experienced so much destruction and devastation caused by his choices and addictions. I had been a Christian for over twenty-five years. I lived a cushy life at home as a child and had everything I needed handed to me. Married at age nineteen, althought my divorce was tough but my marriage of twenty years was also pretty cushy. Up until the last five years or so, I lived the Hallmark dream in the little house with a white picket fence and 2.5 children.

The evening ended far too quickly but I was certain Joe would call. Days passed. Weeks passed. Months passed and again I lie in bed thinking about this man and hating him for not calling. Was he playing with my emotions? What was his deal?

Finally I decided to call the Teen Challenge director who happened to be a good friend of mine. As I was dialing his number I was saying to myself “If Kevin says even one bad thing about Joe I will never think of him (or speak his name) again.”

After stammering around for several minutes, I finally blurted out that I wanted to know what Kevin knew about this Joe Lantini guy. Immediately, Kevin started laughing and teasing. What in the world made me think this was a good idea? Gosh I wish I hadn't called him!

Kevin had nothing but good to say about Joe. He told me all about his past and his journey through Teen Challenge. He told how honest and transparent Joe is and before hanging up Kevin said, “Hey! Don't forget... I do weddings” and he began laughing. I hung up the phone and never even said goodbye. Well, now what? I can't find anything bad about a man who won't even call me.

A few weeks later, I went to a Teen Challenge banquet with another man. We had gone to the Teen Challenge banquets for several years together. It was our annual date night. I felt safe in that relationship because I knew it wasn't going anywhere and we just had a lot of fun together.

Toward the end of the evening Joe came up to me and asked, “Can I call you sometime?” Finally. I said 'yes' and the rest is history. Eight months and several confirmations from God later, I was Mrs. Joseph J. Lantini Jr.

Kevin did our wedding and to this day teases me about that phone call. I had no intentions of ever remarrying. I was content being single. Or at least that's what I was trying to convince myself. But God had a plan and it was a good plan.

Here we are many years later and I don't know how I would have ever gotten this far without him. We've had our moments and it's not always been easy. But we both know that it was God Who brought us together and He will continue to unfold His plan as we continue to walk out our destinies together.

A modern day love story

We just returned home from one of many, many, many visits to the Cancer Hospital in Columbus, Ohio. And once again I am rejoicing because they allowed me to drink the clear contrast and not the white contrast. It's the little things that make me so happy! It's a toss up between the two concoctions because the clear contrast burns like chemicals going down... but the white contrast doesn't go down! So I'm always excited when I get the chemical contrast.

We went to the doctors office directly following the CT Scan and she confirmed that all of my blood work came back normal. Which to this day I still don't understand how someone can be so ill and their blood work is 'normal.' But okay.

However during our visit, the doctor did mention she noticed several new lesions on my liver that weren't there six months ago. She is having the radiologist look at them and will get back to me to let me know what's going on. She couldn't say if they were tumors but she did begin talking about Chemo Embolization; a procedure we discussed at the beginning of this journey. I clearly remember her saying that Chemo Embolization wouldn't cure the Carcinoid but it would 'buy me time' at the end of the disease. So when she began talking about setting up a date for the Chemo Embolization my heart sank.

Joe and I have talked (of course) and we decided we have trusted the Lord this far... and we're not backing down now. So we will wait to see what's next. We decided we are just in the “What in the world” stage of this miracle. You know... like when Daniel obeyed God and ended up standing in the middle of the lion's den. Surely he said, “What in the world?!” And when Shadrach, Meshack and Abednego were thrown into the fire. I know they said, “What in the world?!” Or Moses. God delivered him from so much only to lead him to the Red Sea. Can't you just see him standing there facing the Red Sea, knowing he was trapped and feeling like the situation was hopeless? I imagine he threw his hands up in the air, looked toward Heaven and said, “What in the world?!” They didn't know the rest of their story. There was no way for them to know the miracle they were about to witness. That's where Joe and I believe we are; facing the Red Sea saying “What in the world?!” We know (through all of the trials we have already been through) that our Lord will deliver us once again. This diagnosis certainly isn't what Joe and I expected to hear. But we trust God and know He has an incredible plan for us.

The next day Joe and I traveled to Cleveland to attend his niece's wedding. At the reception, as Joe and I were slow dancing I began to cry. There were so many thoughts racing through my mind; so many fears trying to grip my soul. My greatest fear was losing Joe! I couldn't speak so I just let him hold me close as I tried to hide the tears that were rolling down my cheeks. He held me close and said, “We're going to get through this baby! We'll be alright.”

Two days later while at work, I received an email from the nurse practitioner. After reading the first two lines, I knew this was not going to work out the way Joe and I had prayed. The nurse practitioner began the email with “Brenda, we need to discuss the CT results. Is there a number I can call you at? It is much as the doctor feared. I'm so sorry to have to give you this news.”

She called me at work and continued by explaining that the tumors in my liver had grown considerably and there were several more new tumors. She said “We need to set you up and begin Chemo Embolization. We believe with Chemo Embolization (if all goes well) we can buy you 18-24 months. If you tolerate it well, we can repeat the procedure but you have to understand it's a little less effective each time we administer it.” My mind raced to Joe, my children and my grandchildren. How was I going to tell Joe that not only are the tumors larger but there are several more tumors; when he truly believed all of the tumors were going to be gone?

How do I call my daughter in Wyoming to let her know that her mom in Ohio is really sick? If I die now, my grand babies will never know me. I'll be nothing more than a picture they call Mimi. Oh God. This can't be happening. I don't understand – WHY?!

Finally after about 10 minutes of my mind spinning, I decided to go home. I needed to be in Joe's arms. I needed to have him hold me tight. When I finally arrived home and walked through the front door, Joe came out of the bedroom laughing and said, “Hey Baby. Whatcha doing?” When his eyes met mine, he immediately began to cry and said, “NO! Oh please no!”

We sat on the couch and held each other for quite a while before we were able to begin talking. Thinking how we had only been married for two years, I looked at Joe and said, “Joe, if I had known this was going to happen I would have never married you. I'm so sorry.” He looked at me and said, “If I had known how bad it hurt to really love someone, I would have never married you. So now that that's settled, let's never go there again.”

I got as close to Joe as I could and said, “Please hold me REALLY tight!” It's amazing the comfort and peace I find in his arms. What would I ever do without him? God has certainly blessed me beyond anything I could have ever hoped or dreamed.

Joe's mom died of cancer several years earlier, so he is very aware of how difficult this path could become; yet he is determined to trust God and love me through it all.

As Joe held me tight, he continued to cry. I've known Joe for a little over three years now and this is the first time I've seen him cry. He started to talk about how he had watched “Love Story” years ago but decided it was just too painful to think about. So we sat quietly on the couch holding each other and letting it sink into our spirits that our lives just took a drastic turn.

Just one week prior, Joe and I were on our way to church talking about the revival that was going on in Florida. Our pastors would be back from being at that particular revival this morning. They declared before they went that they were going to go and “bring revival back with them.” I clearly remember telling Joe, “You can't just run to Florida, pick up a miracle and bring it home in your pocket!”

That was a week ago. When Joe looked at me (as we sat on the couch trying to grasp the new diagnosis we just received), he said “Honey... what do you think about going to Florida?” Funny how quick our attitudes and ideas can change in seven short days. Instantly I replied “Sure! Why not?! Let's go.”

In the following several days, God and I had some intense conversations. I was battling fear big time so I slept on the couch with praise music playing in my ear buds. In the middle of the night, He woke me and asked “What is it you want?” I thought for a moment and said “I want a miracle and a healing ministry.” Then I drifted back to sleep. With total peace in my heart once again about the most recent diagnosis. I decided to trust God no matter what happened.

But, my concern now was for Joe. What if we didn't go to Florida and (God forbid) I passed away. Would he spend the rest of his life being tormented by “What if.” What if we had gone to Florida? What if we had done the Chemo Embolization? What if I had taken her to another doctor? What if.” I didn't want him to ever feel like he hadn't done everything within his power to help me. So I made a conscious decision to let him decide whether we go to Florida or not. And whether I actually go through the Chemo Embolization or not. My heart was at peace and I was okay if we didn't do either. But I wanted Joe to also have peace in the decisions we were making. Sometimes I think it's so much harder on the Care Giver than it is the actual patient.

That evening Joe got on the computer and spent several hours every night for over a week looking for airline tickets to Florida. He was willing to pay far more for the tickets than I was, but for whatever reason every time he tried to purchase the tickets he was denied. Finally on Sunday morning, he looked at me and said, “Honey. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe God doesn't want us to go to Florida. If we are declined again, are you alright with not going?” I assured him that I was.

It wasn't five minutes later when Joe had purchased two airline tickets for under $400. That was less than half the price of ONE ticket earlier. God had opened the door wide open and we were scheduled to fly out of Pittsburgh on a Friday and return on Sunday. This means we won't need to miss work either. God is amazing and His plans are so much better than any of ours.

Within two weeks of purchasing the tickets, God used people to bless us more than we could have ever expected. The first blessing was finding tickets at such a great price. Then our landlord told Joe, “We just want you to know we tore up your rent check. Use that money to take your wife to Florida for a healing.”

We received two cards in the mail totaling $250. A lady came into my office and wrote a check for $200 even after I told her we had everything covered. She said, “Listen honey. I'm just being obedient to the Lord.”

Another dear friend handed Joe a $200 check in church and someone we love dearly gave us his Stimulus Check of $300 plus another $50. With a grand total of $1,375! We serve such an awesome God. He always gives far above anything we could anticipate. What a blessing to be able to go to Florida and not worry about how we're going to pay for it. The remaining money will be used to bring our children and grandchildren home from Wyoming during the Chemo Embolization.

Don't sign for that!

Mark 10:51 Jesus asks blind Bartimeaus, “What do you want Me to do for you?”

Have you ever received a ‘bad report’? Have you ever sat in a doctor’s office and heard “I’m sorry. It’s incurable, Stage Four Cancer”?

On Friday, February 13th, 2004, I heard just that. I could feel the heat in my face while an icy chill ran down my spine. I looked at my daughter. She had tears in her eyes. My mom looked at me (her daughter) with tears in her eyes and we all stood in total silence; not quite sure what we were to do next. My heart screamed, “This can’t be happening!” My thoughts ran wild with “what ifs,” “whys,” and “what now” questions.

Imagine the UPS man arrives at your front door with a package in his hands. When you reach for the package you notice several warning labels slapped on the outside of the box. Warnings such as; “Recipient acknowledges that by signing for this package they are agreeing to unquestionably accept the contents of said package.” You slowly turn the package over and see the single word ANTHRAX! I would imagine you would immediately hand the package back to the UPS man and say “I’m not accepting this!”

One of the very first lessons I learned through this cancer journey was “Don’t sign for that!” Every time I would go to tell someone “I have cancer…” or even say “my cancer…” Holy Spirit would stop me immediately. “Don’t sign for that! Don’t claim that! Don’t put your name on that! Don’t call it your own!!”

At first, I felt like such a hypocrite. What do I tell people when they ask? That’s when I discovered that the definition of diagnosis is “a medical guess at the cause of specific symptoms.” I can live with that! So from that point on I would tell people “I was diagnosed with cancer… or my diagnosis was cancer.” The diagnosis I could claim and sign for. But I wasn’t putting my name on the cancer! I wasn’t calling it my own!

Ask yourself these two questions: #1 what is the enemy trying to get you to sign for: disease, death, financial loss, divorce, etc,? Have you already signed for that deadly package? Have you already accepted and claimed it as your own?

Now ask yourself: #2 “What do you want God to do for you?” Is He able to answer your request? Is it true that NOTHING is impossible for Him? Do you believe the Word of God completely (or just in part)?