Your Brain ~ Don’t leave home without it

Have you ever had so much on your mind that you almost felt like you were watching your life go past like a movie? Have you ever been under so much stress that you do things and don’t even remember doing them? Like putting the dish soap in the refrigerator or spraying deodorant on as hairspray? Ya, me neither.

During the time of my diagnosis and everything else that was going on in my life, I actually had family members who refused to ride in a car with me. I would get so deep into thought as I was driving that I would drift into the passing lane and not even know it. It’s a wonder I was never killed or never killed anyone else.

The scariest drive I ever took was when I drove about 30 minutes home one sunny afternoon. But when I walked through the front door of my house I couldn’t remember how I got there. I didn’t remember driving at all! Now that’s scary.

It was also during this time that God had His hand of protection on me like never before. Much like a loving Father would do He had people on every side protecting and guiding me along the way.

For instance, one night I was driving up Route 62.  As I drove I was thinking about my recent diagnosis and how that was going to affect not only my life but the lives of my children and family. Would I die quickly or would I linger on? Did I want to die quickly or would I rather die slowly? Would it be the same way as Dad died or would it be different. Will I have to endure a lot of medical procedures or will it just be a matter of keeping me ‘as comfortable as possible?’ So many unanswered questions, so many thoughts, so much to worry about.

Suddenly there were red and blue lights flashing in my rear view mirror. Where in the world did he come from? Was he trying to get around me or was it me he was after? It didn’t take but a few moments to realize that it was in fact me he was trying to pull over.

For whatever strange reason the officer came very slowly up to the passenger side window of my car. Looking into the car as he got closer and closer. I reached over and wound down the passenger side window. That’s when he immediately shined his 1,000 watt flashlight in my eyes and demanded, “Do you know what you just did?!” I paused and then said, “Was I speeding?” “Besides that!” he yelled back at me.

By now my mind was really spinning and I began to wonder if I had caused an accident or ran someone over. What could I have possibly done that had upset him so bad?

Seems, according to the officer, I had run him off the road as I flew past him and several other cars that I don’t ever remember seeing. This is when the proverbial straw broke the camel's back. It had been ten days since my diagnosis, I had my MRIs and CT Scans on the seat beside me and my appointment with a second doctor in Pittsburgh was the following morning. For ten days I had remained strong and in control, but this chance meeting with an officer on Route 62 threw me into a tail spin.

I began to cry. Not a “I don’t want a ticket” kind of cry. More of a “you better call for backup” kind of cry. The more I cried the harder I shook. I couldn’t contain what was exploding from inside. I couldn’t stop it and I couldn’t control it. I just sobbed and cried and shook and snotted and had a complete and total melt down right there in front of this officer who was already thinking I was crazy for running him off the road.

As I melted down, I was searching for my license and registration card. Finally I handed them over to the officer who just stood there staring at me. He said, “Lady, are you okay?” and I really started bawling then. “No! I’m not okay! I was just diagnosed with cancer, my kids aren’t dealing well with it, I’m not dealing well with it, I’ve got to go tomorrow for more news from a second doctor, and…..” I went on and on and on giving this poor man my life’s history in about 15 seconds.

He never said a word, just turned and went back to his car. He was in his car for what seemed like an eternity before he walked back up to the driver’s window. Still writing my ticket, he said “Have they diagnosed your cancer as terminal?” and I said “I will find out for sure tomorrow in Pittsburgh.” Instantly he stopped writing, looked me in the eyes and said, “I don’t know about your God… but my God is a God of miracles! You don’t know what He has planned through this… His plans aren’t our plans…”

Then he asked about my children and continued with a ten minute sermon straight from the throne of God. If Jesus Himself had said the words that were coming out of this officer’s mouth, it wouldn’t have been any clearer. The police officer continued by saying “It says in Philippians for me to live is Christ and to die is gain. He’s not finished with you yet. And which would be worse… to have your children lose you to cancer or for me to call them tonight and tell you were killed in a car accident?!”

At this point he looked back down and finished filling out the ticket. He tore it off his pad and handed it to me with one last word of advice. “You!” he said firmly, “Have to start paying closer attention to your driving! You don’t want to be killed in a car accident and you don’t want to kill anyone else either! This is a written warning… but I don’t want to see you driving this way again.”

He took one step away, stopped, looked at me once more and said, “I’ll be praying for a good report tomorrow.” I just sat there trying to digest everything he had said and thanking God not only that I hadn’t killed someone but that I didn’t have to pay a ticket either.

God knows exactly how to get our attention when He needs to get our attention. And He will use flashing lights and a man in uniform when necessary.

Searching for the Silver Lining ~ are you up to the challenge

Over four years ago, I felt the Lord telling me to stop taking the Sandostatin injections because of the side effects and incredible weight gain. I battled with the idea for quite some time and finally decided that if I didn't stop taking the Sandostatin I was soon going to weigh 600lbs and probably die of a stroke or heart attack. So which was worse: having the Carcinoid symptoms or allowing the Sandostatin to cause other health issues of it's own.
 

I remember clearly the day I went into my doctor's office to let him know that I wasn't going to be taking any more injections. I waited until he weighed me, checked me and finally gave the injection. Then I simply said “Dr. I'm going to stop taking these injections for a while and see how I feel and if my weight will begin to go back down a little.”
 

His face contorted into an angry grimace as he said in a very slow and evil tone “You're making a terrible mistake... You're going to get sick you know... You're going to be in so much pain! You'll be back!! This is a very bad decision. These shots are lengthening your life span you know! You'll be in so much pain... You'll be back....”
 

As I walked out of his office, fear kept trying to grip my soul and I began to second guess whether I had truly heard from God or not. “Oh gosh! Have I made a mistake? Am I going to get really sick? Should I just go back and tell him I changed my mind? Will this shorten my life?!!” But I bit my lip and went to my car praying that God would show up and help me once again.

Days and then weeks went by and I felt the same; no pain, no sickness, nothing out of the ordinary. As each day passed, I felt better about my decision and knew that I really had heard from God after all. I also knew if I ever had to begin taking those injections again I was never going back to Dr. Gloom & Doom!
 

Here's the thing: I believe that cancer patients should have the final word in what treatments they will or will not endure. I believe that unless the patient is completely incoherent, their opinions and their feelings should always trump everyone else's.
 

Yes, family members should get involved in the process of deciding what action/treatments to take. But in the end the patient should get the final word. Here's why: when you are labeled with an incurable disease you feel totally and completely at the mercy of that disease. You feel vulnerable and weak. You feel like you are at the mercy of not only the disease but at the doctors who are (let's be frank here) only guessing at what your best course of action is.
 

There's something empowering when you take control of the reins and start making important decisions about your life and your well being. Unfortunately with a cancer diagnosis, fear normally has the upper hand. Fear normally causes folks to jump at the very first thing offered. For most patients they will do anything out of desperation to just be cured... to just be healed. They will drink the craziest concoctions, rub on the strangest oils, pray the most desperate prayers all in an attempt to get away from the curse that has been put on them.
 

It's only those patients who have total and complete trust in Someone much bigger than themselves who can slow everything down and control the fear that tries to overtake them. It's those folks who have learned how to delve into the word of God and hear His voice who don't feel like they are at the mercy of the physicians and/or the disease. These are the people you see sitting in the doctor's office with a smile on their face and peace in their eyes.
 

Isaiah 48:17 – This is what the Lord says – I am the Lord your God Who teaches you what is best for you. Who directs you in the way you should go.
 

I'm not implying that just because you have a relationship with God means there is no fear or you don't worry you're making the wrong choices. I'm simply saying that much like the eye of the hurricane; you can still have great peace when everything around you is in complete turmoil.
 

Fast forward over four years: At my Carcinoid Specialist's appointment in Columbus, my primary physician suggests I begin the Sandostatin injections once again. She said the tumors hadn't progressed much but that the injections would keep them in check and would also help with the flushing and diarrhea I was experiencing. Being the stubborn woman that I am I simply said, “Let me pray about it and I'll let you know...” You could tell she wasn't happy with my decision but she remained quiet.
 

After receiving the doctor's prescription for monthly Sandostatin injections once again, I began seeking God for direction. Should I take the shot or should I continue to go without them. The doctor believes they will be beneficial but I really don't want to put that stuff in my system again. Am I just being stubborn and stupid or should I begin taking them again.

So my prayer went something like this “Lord, I don't know what to do here. Would you please confirm if You want me to go ahead and start the injections again?” Then I went on about my daily routine. It wasn't but about two days later when I became violently ill. To the point where I ended up in the emergency room.
 

Seriously, I haven't been that sick in years! So the answer to my prayer was pretty clear... go back on the Sandostatin. Be careful of what you pray for. You might not like the answer He gives you.
 

It's so easy to have all the faith you need when you're feeling good. But when the stomach pains and flushing starts so does the battle of the mind. And I believe the battle of the mind is the most intense part of the entire journey.

Am I making the right decisions? Am I seeing the right doctor? Should I take the medications prescribed? Should I try something more natural? Does my doctor know what he/she is really doing? Am I just a Guinea pig?
 

You could literally drive yourself crazy with all the questions and all the feelings and all the grief and all the fear. The moment a person receives a cancer diagnosis the first thing essential lesson they better learn quick is how to control their thoughts! If you allow your thoughts to go wherever they choose, you are going to be a very depressed, bitter, angry and fearful person. You better grab those reins quickly and hold on tight to them throughout the entire journey! Or that pony is gonna take off bucking and kicking.
 

I've always been a glass is half empty kinda girl. Looking back at pictures of my childhood clearly show that. I was always frowning or angry, always felt like the outcast and the unloved. To this day, I have to keep a check on my expectations because if I'm not careful I can take anything/everything personal.
 

As I sulked my way to Columbus to begin the Sandostatin injections again, I kept questioning God. Did you ever have a child in the backseat of the car saying “Do we really have to go there?! I don't wanna go! Why are you making me go there?!” That's pretty much what was going on inside my mind as we traveled for three hours to get to the Cancer Hospital.
 

Through this adventure I've literally had to learn how to brain wash myself. When my thoughts began screaming negative things... I would turn on praise music. When fear would hover over me at night when I couldn't sleep... I would turn on praise music. When I caught myself looking at my grandchildren and wondering if they would even remember me... I would turn on praise music.
 

I don't want to get too deep here, but in the book of Daniel you will read that satan was the worship leader in Heaven before he was cast out of Heaven because of his pride issues. So if he was the worship leader then we know that he knows how to use music to his advantage.  

Surely you've noticed how head banging music stirs up anger and anxiety in a person who listens to it on a regular basis. Or how soft soothing music can calm your spirit and actually help you go to sleep. If you want to teach your child their ABCs how do you do that? By singing My ABCs. Why do you think they insert music into movies? To create the mood they want you to feel (fear, anger, happiness, etc.) Even commercials use music to sell their product.
 

So if we can agree that music is so powerful, then why aren't we using it when we are fearful, or angry, or sad? I gotta tell ya... nothing pulls me out of a depressed funk like some good old praise music. Once I begin remembering how big my God is and how small my problem is to Him, there's an almost instant change in my attitude and my thoughts.
 

I could go on forever about music but I'm just gonna say this one thing: I dare you to put what I'm telling you to the test. When you go to bed tonight, pull out your MP3 player and your ear buds. Play some soothing praise music that talks about the goodness and grace of God. Let it play all night while you're sleeping and see how you feel in the morning. I can almost guarantee that your spirit will have been nourished and you will feel like conquering yet another day.
 

This cancer battle is all about transforming your mind. Life in general is all about transforming your mind. Romans 12:2 says Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing... you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
 

This journey had been transforming me into a “glass is half full” kinda girl. And I'm learning that there is always a silver lining in every cloud. Sometimes you gotta really search for it though.
 

Are you up to the challenge?

It ain't over until He says it's over

If you remember, doctors told me on February 13, 2004 I only had three months to live and to get my affairs in order. Then again in July 2008, they said they could “buy me” approximately twelve months if they did the chemo embolization. I’m typing this entry now almost ten years past my first diagnosis and five years past my twelve month chemo diagnosis. Man keeps trying to stamp me with an expiration date and God keeps wiping it off.

I began to realize that sometimes a medical diagnosis can also be a word curse. Word curses are those things that people say to us or we say to others and to ourselves. Word curses (if believed) can literally change a person’s destiny and the way they look at themselves. For example, it is said if you take a child of normal intelligence and repeatedly tell them they are stupid, they will grown up believing they are stupid. There are adults today who still struggle with the things that were said to them as a child.

The great thing about word curses though is that they are only effective if you accept them. Let me explain: I’ve lost several close friends to cancer. As I watched them go, I learned some valuable lessons on the power of the mind. Once a person is given the big “C” diagnosis, they have to make a choice. Will they fall apart and lose all hope or will they walk it out and see what God is going to do through their diagnosis.

Hope is an extremely powerful four-letter word. Hope is everything. Without hope we have nothing. With hope we are unstoppable. The enemy has come to steal, kill and destroy and he can take just about everything in our life. He can take our marriage, our children, our home, our finances… but he can’t take our hope without us willingly handing it over.

So where does Hope come from? It is rooted and anchored in the love of Christ. He is our Hope. In His love we can conquer anything. In every circumstance Christ promises to work ALL things out for His glory (Romans 8:28) and that no weapon formed against you shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17).

If we put our hope in Him, we can find total peace in the midst of the worst of storms. It’s only when we put our hope in doctors or medicines that we get frustrated and fearful. Again, I’m not saying to deny your diagnosis and not seek treatment. I’m saying keep it in perspective and keep your eyes on and your hope in Christ. The One who took a horrendous beating for your healing. Isaiah 53:5 says that it was by His stripes that we were healed.

I can almost feel people’s hair beginning to bristle and hear them screaming “I did that and my mom/dad/baby died anyways!! I believed in miracles and nothing happened! How can you say that?!” Trust me, I’ve seen enough seemingly unanswered prayers myself. The most devastating being the death of my own father.

This book is not a magic cure all, nor is it a lucky rabbit’s foot and I'm certainly not asking you to live in denial. I’m not giving you step by step directions on how to get every miracle you’ve ever asked for. God’s ways are not our ways. Sometimes what we want does not line up with what He wants. And if I can be frank ~ He’s a lot smarter than any of us will ever be.

So even when a prayer seems to go unnoticed and you’re devastated by the outcome, if you continue to keep your eyes on Him you will begin to see the plan and purpose behind it all. Jeremiah 29:11 says “I know the plans I have for you. Thoughts for peace and not evil. To give you a future and a HOPE.” Tragically, many people walk away from God when their prayers aren't answered the way they thought they should have been.

So what should we do when the miracle doesn’t come? Remember God's Love IN YOU never stops believing and never gives up! His love can't fail! His love produces hope and hope is Life. No hope ~ no life. Don't lose your hope. Stay close to His love.

A perfect example of losing hope was watching how once a cancer diagnosis was given, 50% of my friends walked it out and lived far beyond their diagnosis and 50% gave up immediately and died quicker than anyone could have imagined.

We had a close friend, Donnie who was an extreme case. Joe and I were at his bedside when the doctor came in and said “Donnie, I’m so sorry…. You have stage 4 terminal cancer.” We all stood in disbelief because Donnie wasn’t really that sick; a few aches and pains and some stomach problems. We never dreamed it would be cancer. Once the doctor said the big “C” word, everyone in the room was silent and it felt like the world had stopped.

Donnie looked at me (knowing my diagnosis) and I immediately went to his side. “Donnie” I said holding my two closed hands in front of me “If I told you I had healing in my right hand and nothing in my left hand, which hand would you choose?” Donnie looked at me for a moment and then slowly said, “I don’t know.”

Donnie’s greatest obstacle was the fear of pain. He told every nurse and doctor, “Please! Just don’t let me suffer!” Donnie was a baby Christian and knew the Lord but his diagnosis became much bigger than His Lord. The fear of suffering haunted him day and night and we were shocked as we watched our friend shrivel up and die in just a few short weeks; way before the doctors ever expected him to.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not talking about positive confession or wishing our illness away. I’m simply suggesting we keep everything in proper perspective. God first… then our circumstances. Not vice versa. The moment we make our circumstance bigger than our God, we’ve lost the battle.

If I hadn’t gone through the divorce, the loss of my father, the loss of my children, the loss of everything in my life ~ I may not have had the faith I needed to face the cancer diagnosis. Each trial I had gone through showed me His faithfulness and His love for me. So when the cancer diagnosis came along I was able to remind myself that He had never let me down and He’s not going to start now.

Has it always been easy? No way! The greatest battle in a cancer diagnosis is controlling your thought life and not allowing word curses (via a diagnosis) to drain you of your faith.

Speaking of word curses. People are so peculiar sometimes! I could write a book simply using the statements that unthinking, uncaring, uncompassionate people have said to me since the beginning of this journey. I’ll give you just one of my favorites:

After receiving the chemo seeds in my liver I felt like someone had literally taken an ice cream scoop and scooped out my soul. I was in so much pain and was so sick that there was nothing else in me. I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to be talked to. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t even want to see someone else eating. And you know I was sick when I silently wished everyone would just leave me alone. The talking and laughter just made my stomach turn all the more. As much as I love my grandbabies… I almost couldn’t bear to be around them. All their activity drove me crazy. (I can’t believe I even typed this because there is nothing and no one on this earth more precious than my grandbabies!!) But that’s just how sick I really was.

So there I was lying on the couch praying I would just die and a lady knocks at the front door. Now I know this lady from church. We aren’t close friends or anything; just acquaintances. She walks in with a big smile and her arms were full with a covered casserole dish, cookies and a get well card.

After sitting everything down in the kitchen, she came back into the living room and sat on the couch at my feet. We chit chatted for a few minutes and I thanked her for being so kind to bring the food and card.

Then the visit took an abrupt turn! This sweet Christian woman looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Now Brenda…. you know… not everyone gets a healing!” I was shocked and stunned and didn’t even know how to reply. I just sat there staring at her as she spewed out a list of names of people she knew (including some of my friends) who passed away with cancer and how I just needed to come to terms with the fact that I too was dying.

From the time I was a small child, I remember my mama saying “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say nothing at all!” There were more than enough words swirling around in my brain and I fought like crazy to keep them from escaping my lips and flying out of my mouth! I sat silently in disbelief and let her go on and on and on and on. Finally I had a thought and told my unwanted visitor that I really needed to go lie down and would she mind leaving. She didn’t mind (I didn’t either). After all she felt she had said everything she needed to by then.

It took me several days (maybe even weeks)… to recover from the things she said to me that day. You know to be completely honest… I’m still not over the things she said to me that day. At first I was depressed and fearful and wondered if God had told her something about me and this was His way of preparing my heart for the looming death sentence she had given me. Then once again I turned to the Bible and worship music to build my faith back up and realized that was not a word from God ~ that was a word from a crazy woman who shouldn’t be visiting people when they are sick.

This cancer journey has had many ups and downs. One day I felt great and ready to conquer the world and the next I was fearful and depressed and wondered how much time I really had left. There have been nights when I could literally feel death looming over me and threatening to take control. My heart has ached many times when I would allow my mind to think about how my grandchildren may never remember me when they get older. At one point, I had to make a choice to stop worrying about what will happen to my grandchildren, my children, my Joe and simply start living.

In case you were never told, let me be the first to tell you (much like my unwanted visitor)… we are all ‘terminal’. No one escapes this life alive. On the very day we were born, God also had a date when our time here on earth would be done. Look at any tombstone and you’ll see a date for the birth and a date for the death. But what really matters is how the person spent the dash between the two.

After thinking about it, I decided that I wasn't going to worry about what might happen when in fact there are 100 different ways I could die. I could pull out in front of a truck today and be killed instantly. That doesn't stop me from hopping in the car and going places. So I'm not going to give a cancer diagnosis any more of my thoughts and/or time. God knows when I will leave this earth and that's good enough for me.

Cancer is so limited.... It cannot cripple love. It cannot shatter hope. It cannot corrode faith. It cannot eat away peace. It cannot destroy confidence. It cannot kill friendship. It cannot shut out memories. It cannot silence courage. It cannot reduce eternal life. It cannot quench the Spirit. ~ Author Unknown

There is great freedom in realizing that a cancer diagnosis does not take God by surprise and it does not mess up His plan for our lives. In fact, when you do Cancer God's Way, it makes you a more compassionate person, a stronger person, a more focused and praying person. My diganosis caused a paradigm shift in my life. The things that used to drive me crazy don't bother me at all now. My whole perspective has changed. The things of this world are meaningless and like a vapor. They will one day pass away. It's the things of God that will last for eternity and those are the things I choose to spend my time on.

The greatest revelation I've had so far during this journey is: I'm only responsible for me and what I do with this life that has been given to me. I can waste it on worry or I can do my best to pour into the lives of others. I choose to pour into the lives of others.

Obviously the doctors were incorrect when they told me to get my affairs in order so many years ago. However, had I grabbed ahold of that word curse and accepted it, I may not be sitting here writing this book today. A word curse is only effective if you believe it. I choose to believe the Word of God and it says that "by His stripes we were healed."

So, just to make it perfectly clear, doing cancer God's Way simply means realizing that "It ain't over until He says it's over!"

What is this life really all about?

As I sit here watching an internet livestream of a Memorial Service for a little four-year-old boy who lost his battle with cancer, I couldn’t help but ask God “What is this life really about?! Why does a four-year-old boy have to suffer and die from cancer? What is the purpose of this life and all the trials we go through?” I didn’t get an immediate answer and I’m still trying to process the answer I did get hours later, but here are my thoughts on what this life is really all about:

First let’s start with what this life is NOT about. It’s not about making lots of money. Money can disappear in a flash. Money is just temporary. Look at Chase Bank… or the stock market crash. People who thought they had it all… lost it all in a matter of seconds and there was nothing they could do to change what had happened. Money is temporary.

It’s not about happiness. Happiness too can be gone like the wind. Have one tragic event in your life hit and BOOM your happiness is G.O.N.E. Most of the time we base our happiness on our feelings and we all know that feelings come and go. They are temporary.

It’s not about becoming famous or having notoriety. All of this is temporary and out of your control. You might feel like you’re in control but I guarantee when death or severe illness hits you or your loved ones, you will realize quickly that it’s ALL out of your control. It doesn’t matter how famous you are. Life comes down hard on all of us at times. And in a flash those who were famous have been replaced with someone even more appealing. It’s all temporary.

Is this life about always ‘feeling good’? Always searching for that next thing that will make you happy? Things like a glass of wine, a night at the club, a new car, a new house, a great vacation. All those things that have the ability to temporarily shield us from the cares of this world are also… temporary.

Is it bad to feel good? No. But sometimes it’s good to feel bad. If we didn’t feel bad for the starving children in a third world country, we would never offer to help. If we didn’t feel bad about a friend who is struggling we wouldn’t have compassion on them. Sometimes it is good to feel bad.

Is this life about being “spiritual”? Is it about being “out there” or in “another dimension”? I’ve gotta be honest, I don’t see any of those references in the Bible. What good does it do if you’re so Heavenly minded that the people here on earth look at you with their heads tilted thinking “Wow! She’s really out there!” I only see Jesus being REAL and ministering to those who need help. He’s in a boat fishing, he’s eating dinner with the tax collectors, he’s letting a woman with a bad reputation wash His feet. People can smell a fake miles away. It’s time to just be R.E.A.L. Jesus was not about being in another dimension. He was about being what people needed.

I Corinthians 9: 19-23 Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

So again… what is this life really all about? As I watched this little boy’s parents stand with such composure and talk about the son they just lost on Mother's Day, I was amazed and shocked at their strength. I even questioned whether I would be able to do that in my own strength. But here’s the key. This is not about us doing life in our own strength. There are too many circumstances that require more strength than we humanly have. This life is about leaning on the strength of a Heavenly Father who will carry us through those times when we are too weak. And as He carries us, others are amazed and shocked at what they see us walk through. Some will know it’s God’s strength; others will need to be told.

This life is about relationship. Relationship with our families, our friends, our church, and most importantly our God. He created us to have a relationship with Him. The definition of relationship is: 1. the state of being connected or related 2. association by blood or marriage; kinship.

God created you to have a relationship with Him. A relationship is a journey where two people relate to each other. You can't have relationship without fellowship. If you don't take the time to fellowship with God you will never build a good relationship. If partners don’t communicate they fail at their relationship. What is your communication with God like? Do you find time to talk to Him? More importantly, do you find time to let Him talk to you? Jesus said, "My sheep know my voice, and I know them, and they follow me" (John 10:27). This is eternal.

So we understand that life is NOT about the temporal things of this world but rather the eternal things: II Corinthians 4:18 So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

There’s a scripture that has bothered me for many years: Matthew 7:22-23 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

For years I wondered why God would tell someone who has prophesied and cast out demons “depart from me. I never knew you.” Finally about a year ago, I decided to really dwell on that scripture and prayed for clarity. That’s when the Lord showed me one little secret in that entire verse. “I never knew you.”

Upon researching the greek word “knew” that was used in this verse I learned that it meant to have a relationship with, to be intimate with. Adam knew Eve and she bore a son. Joseph knew not Mary until she gave birth to Jesus. What God is saying to those who enter eternity is “You did a lot of nice things… but we didn’t have a relationship. I never knew you.”

So I propose to you today that we make two lists. One list for those things that are temporary and the other for those that are eternal. Then we dedicate our lives to those things that are eternal.

What a tragedy to go through this life only to realize we missed the entire meaning of life. Don’t miss the meaning of life. Live life on purpose. Work on your relationship with God and with those around you.

When we get to those pearly gates may we all hear “Welcome home thou good and faithful servant." And not “Depart from Me. I never knew you.”

One Step Forward - Two Steps Back

Have you ever felt like you were finally getting things together and life was beginning to look promising again only to have something pop up out of the blue and you find yourself going back to square one and starting over? How frustrating is that?!

When I first married in 1979, I was working for a candy company until I found out I was pregnant with our first child. Shortly thereafter, we bought a cute little mobile home in a mobile home park and raised our newborn there for a couple of years before buying our first home.

Twenty years later, (after the divorce) I found myself getting my first job at a candy factory and moving into the same mobile home park where I raised my baby girl. Every day I would come from work, glance over at the actual home we lived in and wonder why I had to start over from scratch when my Ex was able to continue on with his career. I sulked about this for quite a while and even complained to God about how cruel it was for me to have to start back at square one. I chose to look at it as some time of punishment rather than some type of blessing.

One day (most likely when I was quiet enough to let Him speak) He finally said to me, “Yes. But this time we're going to do it My way.” That made complete sense and gave me total peace. So I journeyed on reminding myself that God was in control and nothing happens to me that isn't Father filtered first.

At the beginning of the cancer journey, there was no hope of a cure but there was a Sandostatin shot they could give me to help with the symptoms (pain, diarrhea, cramping and exhaustion). So I started taking an injection once a month and began seeing good results. That's not exactly true. For 3 weeks I had to give myself three injections in my belly every day before I could begin the monthly injections. It was almost comical how I never hesitated to jab that needle into the orange the nurse handed me. But when it came time to thrust it into myself, it took a lot of self talk and desperation every single time.

This shot was created to slow down my system which in turn slowed down all the symptoms AND also slowed down my metabolism. After about 4 years, I was starting to realize that the longer I took the shots the more weight I gained. Finally I wondered if the benefits of the shot to control the symptoms truly outweighed (no pun intended) the risk of a heart attack and/or stroke from all the excessive weight.

I prayed and prayed about it and believed the Lord told me to go ahead and stop the injections. Now this was a major step of faith. Especially when the cancer doctor was disgusted with me and told me I was going to die sooner if I stopped the injections. He also badgered me by saying “You're going to be in so much pain! You'll be back!!” Determined not to let fear dictate my decision, I stopped getting the injections and had complete confidence that God knew what was best.

Here I am five years later without any drastic consequences and still no pain (like I had in 2004). I have been trucking through life as if nothing is wrong with me. Most people aren't even aware of my diagnosis. They see my flushing and make a comment like “I see someone's been spending some time in the sun.”

I choose to live believing God has healed me and I'm waiting for the manifestation of that healing to come to pass. My pastor is forever saying “If you will decree a thing, it will be established.” Job 22:28

I choose to not allow any diagnosis keep me from enjoying the things that make this life so interesting. On the outside I may appear 'whole' but on the inside a cancer diagnosis is something that forever changes how you look at everything. There is no way to go back to your former self after this type of diagnosis.

I carry the weight of a cancer diagnosis 24 hours at day, 7 days a week. For the most part I just go on with life like everyone else does. But there's something in my spirit that always pulls me back to the basics of life; keeping my priorities in order and helping me to live for what is eternal and not temporary.

For instance, I'm sitting beside the lake typing this blog. It's a beautiful day, the suns shining, a chipmunk is chirping loudly (I think I may have invaded his privacy), the breeze is warm and soothing and I'm noticing it all. Before the diagnosis I doubt I would have seen any of it because my life was (and still is) so busy. After a diagnosis you tend to appreciate what's around you; the ability to see the silver lining in every cloud. I guess that comes with realizing that each day is a gift that shouldn't be taken for granted. The memory of this day is what keeps it eternal. The feeling my heart gets when I look at God's beautiful creation and watch a cardinal hop across the picnic table is eternal. (And if that chipmunk comes running over here that will also be eternal cause we're both gonna meet at the Pearly Gates way before our time!)

Life is full of so much. Americans are so inundated with sights and sounds and emotions. We have so many things coming at us at once that we are desensitized to a majority of real life. The car radio blares as we swerve in and out of traffic with no regard to those around us. We come home from work and plop down on in front of the television and/or computer hardly acknowledging those who live in our homes. Our cell phones are beeping and tweeting and flashing and buzzing with information we really could live without. Children are still running the streets but they’re not playing hide 'n seek or tag. Now they run the streets with guns and cell phones. Adults no longer visit friends and family on weekends. There just isn't any time for those pleasures.

So we become more and more disconnected and selfish as we turn to facebook and twitter to spy on what our 'friends' are doing and how we can make our lives look better by posting great pictures or comments. When was the last time you saw a post from someone being real? Someone who says I have 2,386 facebook friends but haven't had a face to face conversation with any of them for years.

But we take on more and more as technology demands that we stay on top of things. Meanwhile, the things that truly matter; our spouses, children, friends, even our God takes a backseat to all the challenges that rally for our attention.

My doctor has recently prescribed that I got back on the Sandostatin shots. She believes that I will benefit from them once again and I was scheduled to start today. One step forward and two steps back.

Needless to say, I was very discouraged when she wrote the prescription and I was very discouraged today. Why would I be required to go back to where I was six years ago? What is the purpose in beginning these shots again? I am claiming my healing from Isaiah 53:5 that says “By His stripes we are healed.” So why am I not seeing the manifestations of that healing? Am I missing something? Am I doing something wrong? Is there a lesson that I have yet to learn?

At first my claim was denied since I don't have health insurance. But one sweet girl at the doctor’s office wouldn't take no for an answer. So she pursued my case and eventually the cost for the Sandostatin was covered. Anyone who has been in a cancer battle can tell you that the meds for cancer treatment are outrageous. One shot monthly costs over $5,000 a pop. That's over $60,000 a year and doesn‘t include the doctor‘s fees. Goodness! Even if my insurance covered 80% that is still way more than I could afford to pay. What are people doing? How are they coping with not only a cancer diagnosis but now financial bankruptcy as well.

As I sit here blogging, two geese are wandering by so I began throwing popcorn to them. The taller larger goose would take one step forward and then two steps back. He was so suspicious, so afraid to receive the free blessing. He couldn’t believe that someone who give him a free gift. The smaller goose however, marched over to the popcorn with confidence. She knew a blessing when she saw one and she wasn’t letting this blessing get past her. Then there was a tiny little bird hopping in on the scene. When I saw this tiny little bird I was amazed it was so brave to steal popcorn from such giant geese.

After watching these birds for a while the Lord began speaking to my heart. The larger goose (let’s just say he doesn’t have a personal relationship with the Lord) is missing the best parts of life because of worry and stress. His eyes are on what could happen instead of the blessing in front of him. He’s suspicious and angry and maybe has an incident in the past he needs to let go of. He won’t be going any where any time soon with his one step forward and two steps back approach.

The smaller goose (let’s say she has an open line of communication with the Lord) walks up to each kernel confidently and enjoys every mouthful of blessing she can get. She’s not worried about what might happen. She’s just enjoying the here and now; knowing that Someone much bigger than her has everything under control.

The little bird however… as soon as I saw him I knew he was just like the enemy. He is so small he was almost unnoticed by the larger geese. They didn’t see him as a threat at all. He’s nothing. The only way he got any popcorn was because the geese let him take it. He could have never fought those monster geese on his own. But they let him hop in and steal their blessing. Every hop he took was calculated and precise and he wasn’t playing. He wanted the popcorn and he wanted it all.

I say all that to say this; sometimes we have to walk confidently and intentionally. We have to keep our eyes open to the snares of the enemy and not allow him to steal our joy here on earth. We have to choose to believe God has our steps ordered even when we don't understand. We just need to take one step at a time and trust Him completely for the path we are required to walk.

So, here I am again back to the same square I was over six years ago, but choosing to trust God for everything; for the Sandostatin, for the medical assistance, for the wisdom to know His will for my life and most important I trust Him with my life here and my life for eternity.

He doesn't owe me any explanation. He doesn't owe me any blessing. He owes me nothing. He has already done far above anything I could ever ask or think. Now I owe Him. I owe Him my trust, I owe him my love and I owe him my life. Regardless of what life is throwing at me.

After almost 31 years of salvation, I can say without hesitation that He has never let me down yet. I don't believe He's going to start now.

Keep your eyes open to His blessing and His plan. It's everywhere. But you can miss it if you aren't living confidently and intentionally.

Whose Reality is Real?

The Webster definition of Reality is: 1. The quality or state of being actual or true. 2. Relating to or being a genre of television or film in which a storyline is created by editing footage of people interacting or competing with one another in unscripted, unrehearsed situations. 3. the state of things as they are, rather than as one might wish them to be. 4. something that is real 5. the state of being real.

After over twenty-five years of being rollercoaster free, my sweet niece talked me into going to Kennywood with her to ride the roller coasters. Gotta tell ya, on the way there I was very concerned about my old ticker and how I might respond to being dropped off a 60 foot cliff.

We rode the Carousel first (as an attempt to sort of prime the pump so to speak). Then it was off for our first rollercoaster. Standing in line gave me plenty of time to re-think what I was about to do. However, when I stepped into the car and the bar came down over my head, I knew I was committed to this ride and I might as well enjoy it.

The first drop was mind boggling and the rest of the 13 second ride was just as mind boggling. Things certainly have changed in the past twenty-five years!

I wasn’t prepared for the force of gravity and the stomach flopping power of the SwingShot either! The SwingShot is over 60 feet tall, and its two arms swing to a height of 90 feet. Tremendous acceleration in both directions produces the exhilarating experience of weightlessness as riders catapult towards the sky, quickly reverse direction, and then plummet towards the earth at speeds in excess of 50 mph.

Uh…. Ya… This gramma didn’t know what she was getting herself into when she climbed on these mind boggling rides. But (the reality of it is) there was something even more mind boggling at this Amusement Park than the rides.

I love people watching. Sit me on a park bench anywhere and let me watch people and I’m very content. So, of course, as we were waiting in the lines to ride I was watching people. It seemed like a majority of those in line were young (25 and under). And I recognized three things immediately: 1. I was definitely the minority 2. Things have certainly changed since the last time I was in an amusement park. And 3. I live a very sheltered, Christian lifestyle that could seriously hinder my ability to reach out to a world who really needs Jesus ~ if I allow it to.

If I was to name the one thing that boggled my mind most, I would have to say the fact that this generation has no concept of reality. They aren’t even certain about the most basic things like: who they are (is their gender male or female; or both), why they’re here (does it matter if they are or not) and what life is all about (so they‘re just trying to grab what they can from this world before it‘s time to check out).

I agree that our older generation may wrestle with the same questions, but it seems our children have really lost their way. And my question is: What are we doing to help them answer those questions and guide them along the way to truth?

Does their roughness/crudeness cause you to shrink back and walk away? (that’s called fear) Does the fact that they are trying to find who they are by experimenting with their sexuality cause you to stay silent and shake your head in disgust? (that’s judgmental) Does their open display of sexuality take you by surprise? (that’s intimidation)

This generation is SCREAMING for someone to love them unconditionally and frankly they don’t care if it’s a guy or a girl. They need someone to accept them for who they are. Artists such as Lady Gaga (yes, I went there!) are telling these kids that they were born that way and to be proud of the sin that has taken hold of their lives.

Who do you think taught them about divorce and broken families? Who do we blame for the attitudes, beliefs, hurt and confusion they carry with them daily?

If I can be so bold, I’d like to say that we as parents need to be the first to accept responsibility for some of what our child is becoming. Then we need to look at television, which has also been raising our children for years. Have we ever stopped and asked what ‘reality’ shows have taught our children about reality?

Basically those electronic boxes in our living rooms are raising our children and telling them over and over that life is all about indulgence. Show after show has taught our children that life is about what they can grab out of it and there are no rules. Kill or be killed, take or be taken, do or die. Our youth truly believe they have no future and there are no absolutes.

I’m not so much concerned about their lot in life as I am in the generation before them. How will we stand before God and explain why we let this happen? What excuse do we have for where we’ve let them go? Were we too busy with our own lives to care? Did we use the television as a babysitter to give us more time to ourselves? What excuse do we have for raising a generation of confused, angry, sex/love starved kids?

Is it too late to begin pouring into them now? If it’s not, where do we start? How do we convince them that we truly care? Will they believe us? Will they accept our help? Or is the reality that it’s already too late.

Our only hope in reaching this lost generation is by being REAL with them. Loving them unconditionally right where they are. Not being afraid to touch a tattooed arm or a homosexual hand. Not allowing the piercings and the vulgarity to stop us from truly loving our children.

Our job is to help them distinguish between reality and fantasy. Loving them into realizing that there are consequences for every decision. Therefore, that is why God set standards & rules. They are for their protection not for their punishment.

The best way to reach our lost generation is by keeping it REAL and being REAL with them. And that only happens when you have a firm foundation in who you are in Christ and what you believe. They can smell a rat from miles away and it’s no longer possible to fool them with “Christianeze” or rehearsed verbiage.

The only way you can truly penetrate their heart is when you’re willing to give away yours. And your heart is only truly equipped for the job after it has been transplanted by His heart.

The world is blatantly ‘preaching’ their gospel. What about you? Are you willing to share your reality? Do you completely understand what that reality is? Who are you reaching out to? Who are you loving unconditionally?

In everything set them an example by doing what is good. (Titus 2:7 NIV)Children miss nothing in sizing up their parents. If you are only half convinced of your beliefs, they will quickly discern that fact. Any ethical weak spot—any indecision on your part—will be incorporated and then magnified in your sons and daughters. Their faith of faithlessness will be a reflection of our own. [Dr. James Dobson]

And we wonder why this generation is so confused about life, sex, gender, religion, adultery, divorce, alcoholism, drug abuse, killing, fundamentalist Christians, Catholics, and Jews have all taken a hit.

The world is blatantly ‘preaching’ their gospel. What about you? Who are you reaching out too? Who is in your own personal reality show? Be a light in the darkness. Awaken those around you with love. Are you going to do nothing or are you going to do what you can? It’s up to you to change this world, one person at a time by simply “loving the one in front of you.” ~ Heidi Baker.

Time keeps slip, slip, slipping away...

I realize spending time with the grandbabies in Montana can make one a little 'crazy' with all their energy and antics. But I desperately needed this break to clear my head and reset my direction ~ "recalculating" as gps puts it. There's nothing like having to pull Barbie dolls outta my pillow case before laying my head down to sleep to help put priorities right back in order.

For some bizarre reason I woke up this morning singing "time keeps slip, slip, slipping away..." So while everyone was still sleeping I began searching the internet for the song that was playing over and over in my mind. I finally found it and realized that while I had some of the words wrong, most of the other words were exactly how I feel about life.

Keep in mind this particular band was probably smoking something illegal while making this recording, but I believe they were onto something at the same time. Let me explain:

Steve Miller Band's classic, Fly Like an Eagle talks about how fast time slips by and how "I want to fly like an eagle" (those who wait upon the Lord shall mount up as eagles). "Let my Spirit carry me" (being led by Holy Spirit). When you're being led by the Spirit, where does He always lead you? What path are we all required to go down? The path of being a servant. The path that causes us to think of others before ourselves.

The song goes on to say: "Feed the babies who don't have enough to eat... shoe the children with no shoes on their feet... house the people livin in the street... oh, oh there's a solution!"

There is not only a solution to help those in need [us]. There is also a solution to help our own lethargic attitudes [them].

Are you looking for a more fulfilled life? A life with meaning and purpose? Do you go through your days feeling like there's gotta be more? I've got the answer. Live like there's no tomorrow and reach out to as many people as you can; as quickly as you can.

We were not created to be selfish and self centered. We were created to accept the love of Christ and then give that love away to those He puts in our path.

When I go to a Cancer Center or hospital and take a good look into the eyes of those who are being treated, I see two types of cancer patients. One type who has no hope, no future, no reason to keep living. They are easily identified by the dark dullness of their sunken eyes. Their mouths are drawn into a frown, their shoulders slumped and heads down.

But occasionally I will look into the eyes of a cancer patient and see LIFE; lots of LIFE! Their eyes twinkle and shine, their smiles are huge, their heads are up and they are ususally looking for the next person they can reach out to.

You don't have to receive a cancer diagnosis to learn a valuable lesson here.

Time is ticking... tick... tock... tick... tock... and no one knows for sure when the alarm will go off and our time here is over. So when you wake in the morning, don't think of YOURSELF. Ask "What can I do today to make a difference in someone else's world?" Then keep your head up and your eyes open as God brings people into your path day after day after day.

You don't have to travel to a third world country to be a missionary. You can be a missionary right in your own home. A missionary is someone who is sent on a mission to help someone with a need. Who is right in front of you with a need?

If you find yourself depressed and lonely. If you feel like there's nothing to live for. If you wonder what this life is really about. Remember: Time keeps on slip... slip...  slipping away. Take this time (right now) to forget about YOUR needs and meet the needs of someone else.

Be a servant. This is what you were created to do. This is where you will find fulfillment in life. This is your purpose. This is what it's all about.